Dark Eldar: Difference between revisions
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Now, shortly before the Fall of the Eldar (A.K.A the birth of [[Slaanesh]]), much of the Eldar were already a race of hedonistic psychopaths who were raping everything that could be. Eventually, the millions of souls who died in the Eldar's planet-wide orgies and hedonistic rituals gathered in the warp and gave birth to a Chaos God, who came to be known as Slaanesh, the prince of pleasure. After Slaanesh came to be, he/she/it raped the majority of the Eldar populace and Gods, created the swirling vortex of doom known as the [[Eye of Terror]] which consumed all of the major Eldar worlds and long story short, clusterfucked the entire Eldar race. The Eldar who escaped in the massive craftworld ships and survived in maiden worlds became the present day Eldar, the ones who managed to survive Slaanesh's birth and retreat into the webway became the Dark Eldar. | Now, shortly before the Fall of the Eldar (A.K.A the birth of [[Slaanesh]]), much of the Eldar were already a race of hedonistic psychopaths who were raping everything that could be. Eventually, the millions of souls who died in the Eldar's planet-wide orgies and hedonistic rituals gathered in the warp and gave birth to a Chaos God, who came to be known as Slaanesh, the prince of pleasure. After Slaanesh came to be, he/she/it raped the majority of the Eldar populace and Gods, created the swirling vortex of doom known as the [[Eye of Terror]] which consumed all of the major Eldar worlds and long story short, clusterfucked the entire Eldar race. The Eldar who escaped in the massive craftworld ships and survived in maiden worlds became the present day Eldar, the ones who managed to survive Slaanesh's birth and retreat into the webway became the Dark Eldar. | ||
The Dark Eldar are still the old degenerates before the fall, so they're still into pleasure and drinking souls, unlike the regular Eldar who are totally disciplined about these things. And also like the Eldar, Slaanesh owns every last one of their souls and Slaanesh also constantly leeches their life force. They retreated into the Webway and constructed a city within the Webway called "Commoragh" to escape Slaanesh's influence, however this only dampened his influence and they're still doomed to die a slow, sex-fueled death. So to solve this, they raid planets and capture the populace there to drink their souls to extend their lives and torture the poor saps, just for the pleasure of it. | The Dark Eldar are still the old degenerates before the fall, so they're still into pleasure and drinking souls, unlike the regular Eldar who are totally disciplined about these things (As in, they make sure not to have TOO much fun raping and drinking souls. They don't want to admit they still do it, but they're spess elves, they think they art holier than thou anyway.) . And also like the Eldar, Slaanesh owns every last one of their souls and Slaanesh also constantly leeches their life force. They retreated into the Webway and constructed a city within the Webway called "Commoragh" to escape Slaanesh's influence, however this only dampened his influence and they're still doomed to die a slow, sex-fueled death. So to solve this, they raid planets and capture the populace there to drink their souls to extend their lives and torture the poor saps, just for the pleasure of it. | ||
The whole deal begins when the Eldar established an empire of their own in the galaxy. They became complacent, bored, and horny. Basically, they just fucked so goddamn much that they tore open the universe, which is pretty fucking hot. /r/ Rule 34, fuck yes. As of today, the Dark Eldar is still held back by GW's inability to expand the storyline of the other races who aren't Spehss mahreens/Imperial Guard or Chaos Marines, so there's not much about the DE these days. | The whole deal begins when the Eldar established an empire of their own in the galaxy. They became complacent, bored, and horny. Basically, they just fucked so goddamn much that they tore open the universe, which is pretty fucking hot. /r/ Rule 34, fuck yes. As of today, the Dark Eldar is still held back by GW's inability to expand the storyline of the other races who aren't Spehss mahreens/Imperial Guard or Chaos Marines, so there's not much about the DE these days. | ||
Revision as of 11:49, 11 January 2011
The same as the Eldar, only they look like they came from a particularly bad S&M party. Over 9,000 years ago Eldar were killing and raping each other, but then suddenly a wild Slaanesh appeared and fucked the shit up. Some Eldar decided to GTFO and started wearing chastity belts, but some were too used to BSDM and continued as usual. Subject of many, many sexual fantasies by teenagers incapable of looking at/relating to real women. Renowned for taking to battle on unstable cocktails of drugs which causes their elite forces to spend the bulk of the confrontation examining their own hands. Dark Eldar have even weaker amour then normal Eldar so a human could blow on Dark Eldar and kill them, this also goes for dark Eldar tanks which are renown for being made from papier maché, and being destroyed by sneezing in their general direction. With the exception of the Talos, which is pretty well armored by most races' standards.
What The Fuck Happened, Yo
Now, shortly before the Fall of the Eldar (A.K.A the birth of Slaanesh), much of the Eldar were already a race of hedonistic psychopaths who were raping everything that could be. Eventually, the millions of souls who died in the Eldar's planet-wide orgies and hedonistic rituals gathered in the warp and gave birth to a Chaos God, who came to be known as Slaanesh, the prince of pleasure. After Slaanesh came to be, he/she/it raped the majority of the Eldar populace and Gods, created the swirling vortex of doom known as the Eye of Terror which consumed all of the major Eldar worlds and long story short, clusterfucked the entire Eldar race. The Eldar who escaped in the massive craftworld ships and survived in maiden worlds became the present day Eldar, the ones who managed to survive Slaanesh's birth and retreat into the webway became the Dark Eldar.
The Dark Eldar are still the old degenerates before the fall, so they're still into pleasure and drinking souls, unlike the regular Eldar who are totally disciplined about these things (As in, they make sure not to have TOO much fun raping and drinking souls. They don't want to admit they still do it, but they're spess elves, they think they art holier than thou anyway.) . And also like the Eldar, Slaanesh owns every last one of their souls and Slaanesh also constantly leeches their life force. They retreated into the Webway and constructed a city within the Webway called "Commoragh" to escape Slaanesh's influence, however this only dampened his influence and they're still doomed to die a slow, sex-fueled death. So to solve this, they raid planets and capture the populace there to drink their souls to extend their lives and torture the poor saps, just for the pleasure of it.
The whole deal begins when the Eldar established an empire of their own in the galaxy. They became complacent, bored, and horny. Basically, they just fucked so goddamn much that they tore open the universe, which is pretty fucking hot. /r/ Rule 34, fuck yes. As of today, the Dark Eldar is still held back by GW's inability to expand the storyline of the other races who aren't Spehss mahreens/Imperial Guard or Chaos Marines, so there's not much about the DE these days.
What ACTUALLY Happened, For Serious
Macha got laid. Ages ago. She's been lying to us. The universe at large thought that this was an affront, and tore itself a new one in response. You silly fuckers, did you think that just by fucking, the Eldar race as a whole could create the Eye Of Terror?
Actually, it is far more likely that the C'tan did it. Hell, it's more likely that the 'nids did it. Macha will never get laid. Actually, Eldrad did it to troll the Galaxy.
New Codex: They Climbin' In Yo Webway, They're Snatchin' Yo People Up
In November of 2010, Games Workshop finally tossed the Dark Eldar players a bone and wrote up a new codex. Not much has changed, fluff-wise, for these thong-wearing, torture-loving vampirates and sodomy-ninjas that are so hardcore that they fly through hyperspace in open-topped spaceships. Their story has only gotten deeper (e.i., less retarded Saturday morning cartoon villainy) and their models better looking (not incredibly embarrassing). While some have balked at the more vampiric flavor of the New DE Codex, this is a misunderstanding. They are ambitious, sex-crazed, easily shot down, boat-and-plane-loving pseudo-aristocrats haunted by a dark curse - they're not vampires, they're the Kennedys.
The soul of a Dark Eldar is an open wound that can only be salved with suffering, a void that can only be filled with tortured bodies, a thirst that can only be quenched by spilled blood. The cause of this void within the Dark Eldar, and the source of the nigh-religious terror that drives them to commit these atrocities, is the knowledge that THEY SHALL NEVER BE ULTRAMARINES upon death, their soul is forfeit to the Chaos God Slaanesh.
Fortunately for the Dark Eldar, they can drop off a body part with one of the haemonculi (an ancient order of Dr. Mengeles, the people that educated Fabius Bile in the art of being a cock) and regenerate themselves in case of death. This somehow keeps their soul from being devoured by Slaanesh, and lets them regrow their brain (and of course, their mind, with it) from a toenail. Maybe they're like starfish or some shit. It's mostly a handwave explaining how the fuck they haven't raped each other to death. This super-soul regeneration bullshit has the side effect giving the higher-up Dark Eldar some of the longest lifespans in the setting, only surpassed by godlike figures like the C'tan, the Empra, and the Chaos Gods. If they die, they just get up again back at base. They're like Necrons now, but not horrifically boring.
In addition, they overcame the traditional Elven birthrate problem by cloning the hell out of themselves (Dolly-Drow!)- they even have an elite unit, the Trueborn, that are basically a bunch of spoiled brats who feel entitled to all the good weapons just because they got pushed out of a proper twat. At least now their continued survival is not as implausible as the Reavers from Firefly maintaining a functional spacefleet - the Dark Eldar are smart, and even though they'll fight each other to death over a biscuit in Commorragh, during a raid into Real Space they set aside their differences to GET SHIT DONE.
COMMORRAGH WELCOMES CAREFUL DRIVERS
The Dark Eldar live in the Dark City of Commorragh, basically an impossibly large extradimensional port city fueled by two stolen suns. Think of a sprawling cross between 19th Century Shanghai/Singapore with Vice City, a wretched hive of scum and villainy with a rape-based economy and the warped architecture of Inception.
It's only been invaded twice, once by Orks and once by Daemons, and the only time it was in serious danger was when Vect, plotting a coup against the ruling Archons, arranged for a ship filled with a few hundred Space Marines (Salamanders, for once) to be towed to the Dark City. Of course, the entire city's armed forces fought the Space Marines, who managed to escape despite heavy losses.
So yeah, a few hundred unsupplied and dazed space marines fought off and escaped from a billion or so Dark Eldar on their home turf, a place that humanity doesn't even understand the physics of.
Fuck GamesWorkshop.
Special Characters
At least the Dark Elfdar actually have playable special characters now:
Asdrubael Vect, the Pimp Master General of Commorragh who's now a manipulator on par with Eldrad and, impossibly, an even bigger dick;
Drazhar, the Master of Blades, who's probably a fallen Phoenix Lord;
Lelith Hesperax, an oversexed gladiatrix/snuff-film porn starlet so badass her fucking hair counts as a power weapon (srsly, so much implied masturbation in her profile, it's not even funny) [citation needed];
Lady Malys, an anime villainess, the replacement for the even lamer named Kruellagh the Vile;
the Lord Hellion Baron Sathonyx, Spider-Man's archnemesis;
Kheradruakh, the Decapitator, who, uh, cuts peoples heads off and collects them like beanie babies;
Duke Sliscus, a pirate king who drinks poisons, has all the best drugs, and brings all the bitches to the yard with his gigantic cock;
and Urien Rakarth, a hyper-evolved Pavi Largo.
Dating a Dark Eldar
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