C.S. Goto

This article contains something which makes absolutely no logical sense, such as Nazi Zombie Mercenaries, Fucking Space Orangutans, anything written by a certain Irish leper or Robin Crud-ace, or Wizards of the Coast hiring the fucking Pinkertons over a children’s card game. If you proceed, consider yourself warned.

This article is awesome. Do not fuck it up.

Police sketch.

You are reading the 1d4chan article for C.S. Goto, and this pleases him.

Cassern Sebastian Goto is a black Irish leper and one of /tg/'s most "beloved" Black Library authors. His books contain plenty of Eldar torture scenes, and also completely disregard most Warhammer 40,000 canon. Most likely because they are actually recycled versions of his old movie scripts (rejected by all studios with at least as much sense of self-preservation as a lemming – i.e., all of them) from fifteen years ago, with just some names changed (this pleases him).

• Multilasers, anyone?

• Oh yea. And Eldar. It's fucking CANON that the Aspect Warriors don't own their armor (except Exarchs, but theirs doesn't come off) and return it to the Aspect Shrine when they grow too much sense to play dress-up kung-fu ninjas anymore. Goto had several Eldar keeping the helmets they wore as Aspect Warriors like some sort of fucking souvenir. And they all worship Slaanesh, including the entire Ulthwe Seer Council and Eldrad himself.

• Or D-Cannons? The things teleport chunks out of the target (looks kind of like Looney Toons-style swiss cheese production, but messier). The retard had them fire bullets.

• Or Biel-Tan's Avatar? Apparently he hasn't had his Wailing Doom sword for the past 3,000 years. And is dead. A piece of said Wailing Doom was somehow forged into Gabriel Angelos' Godsplitter daemonhammer. despite the fact that it shouldn't even be possible

• Or Fire Dragons; Goto wrote that the meltaguns of Fire Dragons (expert tank-hunters) can't get through a hastily-constructed Imperial Guard barricade, even at point-blank range (any veteran Eldar player will call bullshit on this).

• It gets worse; according to this idiot, instead of using Wave Serpents, the Eldar steal tanks from Imperial forces and use them in battle. The Eldar do this because the tanks have better armour, in spite of the fact that the Imperial tanks are landbound, slower and have more primitive guns than their own vehicles. And the additional armor is offset by the fact that the Eldar ride the tanks into battle by standing on the roof or hanging off the sides like suicidal idiots.

• Even language isn't safe. According to Goto, the Eldar can't fully grasp human languages or speak them properly (though the languages of the Eldar are much more complex than any human language, and Eldar are capable of having conversations with each other using nothing but body language; yet according to Goto they can't handle human languages!? Fuck off!)

• Everyone knows that Terminators, wearing the ridiculously heavy armour that they do, are perfectly capable of performing backflips, right? No, not right, fucking stupid.

• Adamantium is now Adamantite (or is it Ceramite that's become Adamantite? Fucking Goto).

• Land Raiders. They can transform into Razorbacks now. (They also change back in under a page and a half.)

• Apparently Tyranids bray like donkeys now. And apparently so do Space Marines and Necrons.

• You know that Dawn of War book he wrote? Apparently, during Winter Assault, Sturnn got to the titan first and met with Gabe and the Blood Ravens, who had apparently been tipped off by the Eldar that there was a Webway Gate under the Titan. Oh and the Ultramarines Sturnn escorted? They were the Alpha Legion in disguise all along. Fucking Stupid. And if you were wondering where Taldeer (who is suddenly a novice Farseer from Biel-Tan as opposed to a veteran from Ulthwe) was during all this, she was busy being murdered by Ahriman and his Prodigal Sons (who also happened to be on Lorn V for no apparent reason). Goto puts her through over 180 pages worth of graphically detailed torture before finally putting her out of her misery (and fortunately rendering the novels non-canon, given that she shows up alive and well in Dark Crusade). Macha doesn't fare much better- after being given one of the Swords of Vaul from Gabe (who got it from the Harlequins after repelling the forces of Ahriman) she uses it to turn into some kind of green warp-fire thing to destroy a Necron ship and subsequently vanishes from the story without a word of explanation.

• Lelith Hesperax now lives in the Eye of Terror, and is also a worshipper of Slaanesh. This is in spite of the fact that any Dark Eldar who was so stupid as to get that close to Chaos' home turf would have his or her soul devoured in seconds, let alone take the utterly suicidal step of actively offering oneself up to She Who Thirsts.

• Khornate Sorcerer. (RRRRAAAAGGGGEEEE!!!!)

While similar accusations might be fairly leveled at almost any Black Library author, instead of the usual once-per-book or once-per-chapter, or even just once, against Goto you can count one for every page on average (sometimes more).

He is also the only Black Library writer to ever be so much of a pussy to try excusing himself with "having an artistic license" (which in his definition apparently means he's being free to screw the canon left, right and inside out however it fucking pleases him). He is apparently also a cigar-smoking midget, and rides a motorcycle that pleasures him simultaneously — much like Doomrider — which pleases him.

It is also a known fact that Matt Ward is another pen name for C.S. Goto. (What? You thought the books they wrote were similarly terrible by coincidence?)

From just a writer's viewpoint the books are awfully written, the plot and characters confusing at times, and it is clear the works were quickly knocked up on a bank holiday weekend by a writer in a half daze from an intense Slaanesh orgy of whips, chains and daemonette snuff (this indeed pleases him).

Fortunately, though GW demand that anything published through the Black Library be considered canon, they also state that canon doesn't necessarily mean true. The work (in universe) may be written as Imperial propaganda, for example. Or in this case, the real-world fan fiction of a disabled child living in the slums of a hive city. C.S. Goto is not Ben Counter, though he may wish he was.

Still, it could get worse, just pray to the Emperor that it doesn't.

We have recently obtained information on his background confirming that at some point in his life he was butt-hurt by a man in a red robe.

Which would explain his near-on obsessive need to fit the words red robe into nearly every paragraph and his desire to rape the established background of 40k.

Examples of His Work

"Balder's fellow veterans were in formation around him, discharging volleys of lasfire from their multilasers, providing support for Hoenir's squad." -Warrior Brood. The aforementioned Multilasers.

"After a sudden, gurgling pause in her screams, Taldeer yelled something incoherent in a tongue that Gabriel did not know. Her voice was shrill and wracked with pain, but there was a new quality to the sound that even Gabriel could recognize. She had been shot. As the psychic screaming commenced, slightly weaker than before, Gabriel ripped his chainsword into life and whirled it around his head, clearing a moment of clarity in the mists of Chaos for him to assess the situation. A gaping wound had appeared in the side of the alien's abdomen, as though she had been shot at close range by a bolter. Judging from the position of the wound, Gabriel reckoned that the shell had probably ricocheted off the bulkhead and then punched into her kidneys, if eldar had kidneys." -Dawn of War: Tempest. Strangely, this doesn't kill her.

"With an explosion of emerald light, the stones seemed to detonate, spraying themselves into shrapnel and jagged shards that ricocheted around the polished, wraithbone walls of her inner sanctum. A hail of razor-sharp projectiles, like the tiny shruikens (sic) used in eldar firearms, lashed into Macha's body, lacerating the psychic shields and armoured plates with microscopic ease. Before she could rise to her feet or even let out a cry, Macha slumped forwards onto the circular tablet, unconscious and bleeding from thousands of tiny incisions." -Dawn of War: Tempest. Macha's also described as being blonde, which is blatantly false too.

"With a blinding blast of red light, the Assault Marine's jump-pack went critical and its fuel cells detonated, firing him down towards the ground like a giant bolter shell. Even from where he was standing, Gabriel could see the Marine was working to release the grenades that were clipped around his belt, flinging them down into the formation of eldar below him even as he rocketed down towards them. The disciplined aliens seemed unphased (sic) for a fraction of a second, holding their firing vectors until they realised (sic) what was about to happen. Then, as the xenos creatures began to scatter away from the Wave Serpents, the string of grenades smacked into the ground and detonated all at once, blowing a huge crater into the desert and rocking the nearest Wave Serpent. In an instant, the Marine's jump-pack roared down towards the vehicle, spiralling (sic) on its axis now that it had been jettisoned by the Marine himself, until it punched heavily into the gunnery cockpit on top of the Wave Serpent, blowing it clean off the vehicle and engulfing the whole thing in a giant red fireball. The Marine himself ploughed (sic) down into the desert nearby." -Dawn of War: Tempest. Jump-packs do not work that way and they never will.

Gallery

• 

  This is what C. S. Goto actually believes.

• 

  Typical Goto heresy - Superb Cover clamped around manure.

See Also

• His website: http://www.csgoto.com/csgotopositions.html
  • Read the interview. He KNOWS about the Multilasers, and all the stuff we said about him. He reads the pages and forums about him... and it pleases him. Yeah. He is almost an avatar of Tzeentch, trolling everything in his way. Well, he would be, except Nurgle just loves his utterly devastating fluff-corruptive powers.