A Song of Ice and Fire

Game of Thones BITCH, Game of thrones BITCH

A Song of Ice and Fire is a fantasy book series that you probably never heard of before you pirated the torrents of the HBO show. Its central themes include incest, douchebaggery, and inefficiency. Thus it has become one of the most popular series of our generation and its author, George R. R. Martin, has been praised for his highly realized world and gritty low fantasy style. He was even called "the American Tolkien" by Time magazine gormless idiots who lump diametrically different writers together for no other reason than that they're both fantasy authors. The series itself is set on the totally not medieval European ripoff realm of Westeros as it is wracked by a massive civil war drawing its nations into conflict. There's at least five kings depending on how you're counting, they're burning the continent down in their scramble for power, and somehow all of the fuck-ups are managing to lose simultaneously. Said fuck-ups include:

Yeah, pretty much.

House Stark

"Winter Is Coming"

Proud, hardass, northerners who serve as the series' main narrators. They have a tendency towards Lawful Stupid that bites them in the ass frequently.

• • Notable Members include: Eddard Stark, patriarch, lord and POV death-puppet.
  • Robb Stark, shiny, Lawful Stupid King Arthur-like hero, cacks it nastily.
  • Sansa Stark,
  • Arya Stark, little tomboy assassin.
  • Catelyn Stark (nee Tully), who fucks everyone's shit up.
  • Bran Stark, intelligent little boy, crippled in the first sign of major GrimDark
  • Rickon Stark, four years old at the start, turning into a real little Barbarian by the third book.
  • Jon Snow, a Bastard. Currently dying of knives in his back.

House Targaryen

"Blood and Fire"

The one time dragon kings and rulers of Westeros. Due to a policy of catastrophic inbreeding they sired a line of increasingly unstable kings, culminating in Aerys "That Guy" Targaryen and a palace coup. Now stuck in Essos (that means "Eastern Continent") trying to gather armies to retake the Iron Throne for reasons no one knows. Nobody likes reading their parts of the books because none of the action takes place in Westeros.

• • Aerys V "The Mad King": A pretty fun guy to be around. Had a thing for burning traitors, a category of people that eventually grew to include anybody he disliked for any reason.
  • Daenerys "Stormborn" Targaryen: Main Targaryen character in the series. She was sold by her brother to a barbarian king, in exchange for his promise to conquer Westeros. Unfortunately, her husband died and his horde fell apart. Then she hatched three dragons and now everyone wants to marry her. Gets shit done except whenever she acts like a teenage girl and mopes about fucking some mercenary fucker.
  • Viserys Targaryen: Daenerys' brother, got himself killed for being an all-around bastard and whiny fuck. Daenerys' husband poured a crown of molten gold over his head.
  • Aegon VI Targaryen: Daenerys' uncle, the son of her brother Rhaegar. Been hiding in Essos for the entire length of the series, but recently raised an army of Westerosi exiles and invaded Westeros. Wants to marry his niece because she has dragons, and might not actually be a member of House Targaryen if you believe the tinfoil-hat wearing fans.

House Lannister

"Hear Me Roar"

Rich, fabulous, bastards who always pay their debts. Not much of a martial tradition but if you cross them they will fucking cut you. You can tell they are the bad guys because they are blonde have an army of sick fucks, including a zebra-riding mercenary band and 7'20" Khornate Champion Gregor Clegane.

• • Tywin Lannister, head of the house. Kills everyone who fights against him, he was the true power behind the throne until Tyrion murdered him.
  • Cersei Lannister, twin sister to Jaime Lannister and wife to King Robert Baratheon. She fucks her brother all the time, and had three of his children, who she passed off as Roberts to grab power. Crazy.
  • Jaime Lannister, twin brother to Cersei Lannister and commander of the Kingsguard. He loves his sister in every sense of the word and had three children with her.
    • Joffrey Baratheon, the dead king on the Iron Throne. And there was much rejoicing.
    • Tommen Baratheon, the new king on the Iron Throne. Married to a shotacon wife, who might or might not have arranged for his brother's murder.
    • Mycella Baratheon, princess, had her face fucked up because of the Martells.
  • Tyrion Lannister, a dwarf who is awesome but who everyone hates.

House Baratheon

"Ours is the Fury"

Ascended to the iron throne after a successful rebellion. Produce no less than three claimants to the succession, each more shit better than the last.

• • Robert Baratheon, fat old king who led the rebellion and married Cersei Lannister. Then he fucked a bunch of other women and had lots of kids, and was killed by a boar.
  • Renly Baratheon, gay. Killed by The Mannis for trying to steal his crown.
  • Stannis "The Mannis" Baratheon, TRUE HEIR TO THE IRON THRONE, all-around badass who swings between Lawful Stupid and killing everyone who stands against him getting shit done.

House Tully

"Family, Duty, Honor"

Lords of the central river lands. Being the obligatory central nation they spend a lot of the series being fought over like a cake in between fat kids.

House Arryn

"As High as Honor"

Mountain lords turned neurotic shut ins. Goes through lords about as quickly as you would expect a castle equipped with .

House Greyjoy

"We Do Not Sow"

Cthulhu worshiping Norscans. Victarion Greyjoy gets shit done while wearing fucking plate armor during boarding actions, Aeron Greyjoy is a priestly Alan Moore who drinks seawater, and Euron "Crow's Eye" Greyjoy is a sick fuck pirate sorcerer. All things considered, we hope these guys win.

House Tyrell

"Growing Strong"

Lords of Highgarden and backstabbers par-excellence.

House Martell

"Unbowed Unbent Unbroken"

Desert dwelling survivalists who pride themselves on having never been conquered by the Targeryn dynasty (though they later married in).

Night's Watch

The Night's Watch are an apolitical force in charge of manning the wall, a giant wall that separates the relative tranquility of the south from the Lovecraftian fucked-up-itude of the true north. They are chronically undermanned and undersupplied since nobody believes their stories of a barbarian army or the impending zombie apocalypse. Basically everybody else thinks they're in a game of Diplomacy and the Night's Watch are the only ones who realize they're actually in Warhammer Fantasy Battle.

Commoners and Petty Lords

Basically any character not associated with any of the Great Houses.

• • Varys "The Spider": The eunuch spymaster of Westeros. You can't take a shit in the Seven Kingdoms without Varys finding out where, when, and how watery or dry it was. Stabs everyone in the back because he's actually trying to bring the Targaryens back.
  • Petyr Baelish "Littlefinger": The guy in charge of getting the snacks for the game session, and hates everyone else for not helping him out. On the other hand, he manages to steal his way to positions of lordship and wealth because no one takes him seriously, and stabs all the Lannisters in the back. He's also a pedophile.

The Others

a mysterious race from beyond the Wall, known to HBO fans as "the White Walkers". Eight thousand years ago, they invaded Westeros during a decades long winter known as "the Long Night". With an army of undead warriors, they proceeded to fuck Westeros up every which way to Sunday before the locals finally drove them out, established the Night's Watch, and built the Wall to keep them out. Most assume they were a myth, and those who believe they existed at all assume they died out millennia ago, so there's no need to worry about th--*three horn blasts sound*...RUN!

Games

Like any fantasy author who finds themselves unexpectedly in the warm embrace of commercial success Martin quickly licensed the shit out of his setting, spawning everything from resin miniatures to replica great swords. While most of this is worthless junk to foist on obsessive fanboys /tg/ has agreed that a few of the games are made of win. The first two are a collectable card game put out in 2002 by Fantasy Flight Games and a risk-esque board game that followed shortly after in 2003. One of White Wolf's subsidiaries also put out a d20 RPG in 2005 but it quickly tanked because, come on, White Wolf. Martin since wrested the rights back and developed a new version with Green Ronin games.

Books

• A Game of Thrones
• A Clash of Kings
• A Storm of Swords
• A Feast for Crows
• A Dance with Dragons
• The Winds of Winter
• A Dream of Spring