Stercus Ludicrum

Brigitte Returns

The concept: On a backwater shithole of a ice planet, a governor's son's desire to tinker with sleeping Necrons leads to everyone in the galaxy fighting everyone else over a planet with no strategic value for no reason. And it is AWESOME!

Stercus Ludicrum is Latin that translates roughly to "shit show" - and boy-howdy, that first human to see it and give it a name that would span thousands of years, he was right on the money. The locals call the world Cold Shoulder, likely because it's cold as a Necron's tit.

Speaking of the metal bastards, an enterprising Ordo Xenos Inquisitor found there were signs of a Necron tomb buried in the planet's ice crust. Like any watchful eagle, protecting the Imperium from threats inside and out, he pawned the job off to the planetary governor, and went to go bone the governor's slut of a daughter. The governor, likewise, passed the job to his son, who would pass it to his general, and so on, and so on. Eventually the PDF and a few incoming regiments of conscripts with no training were marched out to do battle for Emperor and Imperium against undying metal robots.

Things went about as well as could be expected.

Things continued going downhill from there. The surviving commissar and the inquisitor resolve to frame some aristocratic snobs with the excuse that they're Slaanesh cultists — which by total accident ends up being true. Commissar calls for backup, he got yet another inquisitor, bolter bitches, and various space marine chapters. Eldar came to kill the Necrons and be stuck up bitches. Meanwhile all the fighting drew Orks and Chaos reinforcements to the world. Tyranids came with all the food on display. Dark Eldar came to raid in all the commotion. Some poor Tau passed too close and got dragged in, as well.

And then things start to get really bad.

Give it a read.

Characters

This section includes any and all characters who are currently present in the game. (No it doesn't, where is Imperial Fist Sergeant Sammos?)

Imperium

Imperial Guard

• Original Commissar The original Commissar who started it all (always a Commissar). Is currently the closest thing that the local PDF on Cold Shoulder, has as a capable leader.

• Future Commissar The same guy as before, but from a far shittier future that occurs a year and a half after the war of Cold Shoulder originally started. We don't understand how he got here, or why he's still here, so stop fucking asking, and get back to work!

• Colonel James Arthur Praetorian Guard Colonel, was told by his higher ups to move as many conscripts as he had on hand to Stercus Ludicrum. Hasn't done much but walk around and wonder who is mad enough to have this many troops on one planet, also kinda thinks some of the sisters of battle hate him. Has a nice mustache though. Seems to always be in the wrong place at the right time

• Fessus There are some men who are meant to be leaders. Men with charisma and the ability to inspire people. Men with composure, able to remain level-headed in the face of adversity. Men with great cunning, able to achieve victory through well thought our strategies and tactical genius. Fessus is not one of these men. Fessus was one of the original newfag PDF soldiers of Stercus Ludicrum, who managed to somehow survive Stercus's first clusterfuck. When he and his squad were confronted with the prospect of total planetary annihilation, he had the brilliant idea to desert by offering him self and his squad to the Blood Raven's as "gifts" to secure them transport off world and better gear. Of course, this did not work out, and since then he and rest of the Gifted Guardsmen have continued to stay and been roped into fighting for various different factions. Despite calling himself a sergeant, Fessus never actually held an official leadership position in The Guard. He's not the bravest soul, whines like a bitch a lot, and has a dubious set of morals and ethics that he tends to work with through heavy rationalization. This, combined with his greed, and propensity for poorly thought out plans has a tendency to get him and his friends into trouble. However, despite his selfishness getting the better of him sometimes he does have his heart in the right place.

• Marcus One of the Gifted Guardsmen and Fessus's unofficial second in command and go to driver. He is also their "field mechanic". What he lacks in formal training and proper equipment, he makes up for with Duct-tape, and a creative approach to machinery. Given enough Duct-tape, time, and materials that could be hammered, cut, or slapped into something resembling the right parts, and he can get almost any vehicle up and running again, albeit temporarily and with a lot more smoke than it used to make. Unsurprisingly, this has gotten him and his friends in a lot of trouble with the Adeptus Mechanicus. In some ways, Marcus is rather similar to Fessus: he loves to complain when confronted with adversity, would rather avoid fights when he can, and shares his dubious code of ethics and aversion to honest work. However, unlike Fessus, he's calmer, more thoughtful, and more grounded about his decisions (although that only applies when Booze isn't involved) and Fessus's complaining is more of a put-upon whining about how life is unfair while Marcus's is more of an angry grumbling. Marcus also lack's Fessus's greed, spending his free time slacking off, relaxing, and drinking rather than scheming. While he does get on Fessus's case from time to time, he recognizes that his quick thinking and creative, if half-baked, plans have gotten them out of trouble on many occasions. That, and he just doesn't want to bother having to do his job, so he lets Fessus maintain his delusions of grandeur.

• Lloyd Lloyd is one of the Gifted Guardsmen and their explosives expert. This has less to do with any actual explosives expertise and more to do with the fact that he can throw as good as, or maybe be even better than, a guard issue grenade launcher. Having once been a pitcher for the Brook Hive Base-foot-basket-hockey-ball team (which is apparently a sport on Stercus Ludicrum) before joining the Guard, he's learned to apply his athletic skills to throwing grenades instead of throwing balls or pucks or whatever. He is also their fast-talker, and his quick tongue can bluff and blather them out of a bad situation, or at least buy time trying. Lloyd is the most impulsive and reckless of the Guardsmen, and has a propensity for making and taking bets no matter how stupid just because he can. While He'd rather go into a situation guns blazing than sit around talking strategy, he still has enough common sense to know to follow laid out plans. He appears not to the take things as seriously as his friends.

• Phillip Phillip is one of the Gifted Guardsmen and serves as their "face". Being the most charismatic and eloquent of them, he is the one of them best capable of representing his friends in a way that makes them appear to be more than retarded mooks. He is also a gifted speaker capable of inspiring and riling up the people around him, although not nearly to the sae degree as the Bishop is able to. He is the eldest of the Gifted Guardsmen, and the only one of them who might not have been an official Guardsman, having been hinted to have been one of the Bishop's crusaders, who merely found a PDF uniform and was roped into the Guard. Phillip is the most devout and "moral" of the group and has a distaste for criminality and heretical behavior as well as a (possibly undeserved) respect for Echlisiarchal institutions, which often has him acting as the group's collective conscience. Despite his calm personable demeanor is extremely, is shown to be contentious when it comes to theological arguments and extremely aggressive against those he perceives as enemies of the Emperor, possibly as holdover from his time as a "crusader". However, perhaps due to his time in the Guard, his zeal is tempered by a sense of practicality and rationality, as it is better to live to expel evil from the Imperium, than die a martyr and let it continue to exist. He also has artistic talent, and enjoys painting and poetry, the latter of which has helped his friendship with Sister Maria of the Black Sepulcher

• Decarus Decarus is the combat medic of the Gifted Guardsmen also the youngest of them. Decarus is the baby of the team. He is somewhat childish, being easily intimidated by authority figures and believing in monsters from children's tales. Despite being a Guardsman, he is incredibly innocent and naive, with a very simplistic view of morality. He is willing to thieve and kill as he's doing it to the "bad guys", which consists of Xenos, heretics, and some varieties of gangers. He is the most compassionate of the group, and while somewhat desensitized, still hates to see innocent people get hurt. He also has a crush on the Living Saint Brigitte, which she may be oblivious to.

• Commissar Flavia Julia Arodastra

Ecclesiarchy

• Ecclesiarchy Youngster Bishop A rather young bishop, elevated to his position due to him having an Aquila birthmark. During the first clusterfuck war, he united the civilians of the planet into a holy mob, repeatedly violating the Degree Passive but doing such a good job everyone just looked the other way. Managed to convert the Governor's Whore of a Daughter away from Slaanesh worship and to that of the Emperor. Is now married to her.

• Governor's whore of a Daughter (call her Steph) The daughter of the recently deceased planetary Governor, and a former Slanneshi cultist like her mother. Went to "rehab" and got better (and by that, we mean she got married to the planetary bishop, and enjoyed the taste of his dick, and so got her act together). Is currently the the planetary Governess.

• Dietrich Wegstein A Inquistorial crusader that was left behind by his team, led by an Ordo Xenos Inquistor. While not lacking in knightly virtues, he stumbles from place to place due to his poor sense of direction.

• Lamos Derstrum A Preacher, who after looking at the clusterfuck that is cold shoulder, decided to do something about these problems himself. Proceeded to militatise his congregation, steal a whole lot of Imperial guard equipment, piss of the Mechanicus by committing tech Heresy and avoiding subsequent assassination attempts. Is currently slowly crusading around the planet, trying to help neglected settlements.

Sisters of Battle

• Canoness Konstanzia Canoness of the Order of the Ermine Mantle, and "leader" of the local sisters of battle currently on planet. Has bionic eyes and a penchant for drinking far too fucking much expensive alcohol. We've tried talking to her about it, but it usually ends with a serious beating.

• Living Saint Brigitte Formerly Sister Brigitte of the Order of the Ermine Mantle, died and returned as a living saint. Is unbelievably humble and a little thick. Tends to die a lot. Currently in captivity of Dark Eldar.

• Sister Charlotte Dominion serving Konstanzia. Has Had the swankiest Ermine cape in the squad. Like capes, weddings, impressing the Canoness and 'literally any guy above the rank of turd.'

• Sister Lydia Drives a repressor for the Canoness with her gunner, Sister Hanna. By virtue of her station, she is the designated driver for the squad. Naturally, she has learned to steel-face the Arbites like a true drunken master.

• Sister Terese Seraphim serving Konstanzia. The Dark Eldar tried to torture her, and were so pathetic she faked her screams of agony out of pity. Totally did not give that BDSM-dar girl a beejay.

• Sister Olga A sister of battle with the Ermine Mantle. One of their heavy weapons specialist's armed with a heavy bolter. Her fellow sisters all say she eats too much, and think she's massively overweight. She only eats as much as she does because she burns more calories than the rest of her sisters, due to lugging around a 50 pound gun and its ammunition. Lusts for Space Marines, and is currently in a relationship with a certain Primaris space marine.

• Sister Sarah A low ranking member of the Ermine Mantle, she is cursed with being extremely forgettable, to the point that she hadn't received actual orders in years. Dyed her hair the same color as the Canoness to try to get her attention. Was overjoyed when assigned to investigate gene stealers.

• Palatine Barbastella Local commander of the Black Sepulchre, a sororitas order known for its near suicidal reverence of death and gloomy aesthetic, a detachment of which was assigned to accompany the Ermine Mantle on the Tomis Crusade. Internally monologues in gothic prose, with a sense of humour so dry and morbid that it might as well be nonexistent. Would very much like to die and rest already, but the Emperor has yet to see fit to release her from her duties in life; thus, she continues to put up with the endless shitshow that is life on this planet.

• Palatine Sara Palatine of the Golden Light, self described avatar of The Emperor's fury. Really likes ancient terran "western" holo vids and powder based weaponry. Can kill exactly twelve heretics at once, before she needs to reload. She has a grudge against Drathor for stabbing her at the wedding She's the one who got in the bloody way. Has a cool hat.

• Sister Nyx Likes to go fast in her Black Sepulcher battle hearse. Gets a little exited sometimes

• Sister Maria Sister of the Order of the Black Sepulcher. Despite belonging to one of the most depressing orders on the planet, she still manages to be friendly and outgoing. After all, if life is but an Illusion, why not enjoy the show? Also enjoys poetry in her spare time.

• Sister 'Missy' Karmistha Ordo Famillus of the Order of the Ermine Mantle. Apparently it pretty hot. Political arm of Ermine Mantle.

• Sister Annmarie Sister of the Order of the Black Sepulcher. Sarcastic and cynical.

Space Marines

• Primaris Sergeant Jaren Artorius A Primaris space marine belonging to the Broken Shields chapter of space marines. His squad dropped into orbit with orders to take down a titan, but ended up getting swallowed by it and popped up in the Warp. After an intense journey with an insane version of Kaldor Draigo, he and his squad managed to escape and make their way back to Cold Shoulder before continuing to assist with planetary defense. It was during this time that he met and started a relationship with a member of the Ermine Mantle chapter of sisters of battle by the name of Olga.

• Captain Marek Avalon Captain of the Broken Sheilds Chapter on Stercus Ludicrum. Gave Jaren Artorius "The Talk."

• Captain Thorn Captain of the Imperial Fists Chapter on Stercus Ludicrum. Solid Dude. Lost the chapters gene seed stocks and relics in a bet over Jaren and Olga.

• Brother Jiro Wing commander of the elite Xiphon formation Zero Flight of the Solar Hawks chapter. Likes to go fast, but on a jet plane instead of a bike for some reason.

• Veteran Sergeant Dalmier

• Sergeant Romeo Ignatius Sergeant and highest Ranking member of the Salamanders Astartes legion remaining on Stercus. He was given a promotion just before being left on the planet by the rest of the Salamanders, which he believes was part of a plan to ditch him. He is either very handsome or very narcissistic, though probably both. despite this, he does his best to stick to the ideologies of his chapter and preserve human life as much as possible during the conflict on the planet.

Rogue Trader

• Rogue Trader Corazon III

Mechanicus

• Juris Magos Anthony Cosanostro

• Vusio aka "Static"

• Medusa

The Inquisition

• Inquisitor Elmas Frud

Adeptes Arbites

• Planetary Marchall Lawfist' -
• Judge Fredd' - Newest guy posted at the block.

Civilians

• Oswald "the última luz" Helldreks Renowned Blood Bowl player. Unimpressed by the new governess.

• Randle Cuthbert Taxi driver and recently, sailor

• Rick Promethium

Xenos

Dark Eldar

• Dracon Drazar A warrior of the Starless Night Kabal who can't seem to catch a break. Spends a lot of time running away from things. Is the love interest for a Succubus by the name Ann'Ette, however he is unaware of this and thinks she wants to kill him. Likes to loot bodies and has caches of weapons and armor all over the place. Slowly but surely rising through the ranks of his Kabal.

• Succubus Ann'Ette A Dark Eldar Succubus. Currently chasing her love interest, Sybarite Drazar across the planet. Thinks he is just playing games with her and can't possibly be so dense to think she's trying to kill him. Got her crush on Drazar after he (accidentally) saved her from a grenade by falling on it. Called in a favor with a Haemonculus to stitch him back together.

• Archon Dathram Commander of Dark Eldar forces on Stercus Ludicrum. Currently has custody of the Arch-Bishop and Sister Olga.

• Kent Dathram's trusted body guard. Ogryn or Half-Ogryn, and valued for his loyalty. Carries double splinter cannon dark lance. Often gives Dathram helpful advice.

• Kabalite Vex

Orks

• Kommando Gor'Muncha

• Warboss 'Ead-Krumpa An Ork Warboss with a Bionic Arm named Leftie. Likes krumping Tyranids because their heads are the biggest.

• Weird-Dok Gutpoker 'Ead-Krumpa's crew. This absolute mad-ork replaced his gut with a Squig. Keen to try new cuisine, usually ex-enemies that were also ex-living.

• Big Mek Krom-Dom 'Ead-Krumpa's crew. Big Mek that replaced the top of his head with a metal dome.

• Flash Nob Fiddy Teef 'Ead-Krumpa's crew. A fine example of Bad Moonz Ork. Really do have fifty teeth of his own, not counting the ones he took as trophies.

• Grotmando Dakkafilcha 'Ead-Krumpa's crew. Actually several grots painted purple. Their main job is to pilfer enemy guns, it seems.

Eldar

• Hast'El'Vishkaya On the planet to recover the souls stones of the dead eldar, very stuck up (like all eldar) and full of himself. Also likes spouting Elvis puns.

• Prys'Ellia El'Vish's companion, and wraithlord. Died on the planet some time ago and came back for round 2.

• Kaviala Kade A Farseer who has come to Stercus Ludicrum to blow up the Necron Tomb Complex

Tyranids

• Genestealer Patriarch 'Scar' A genestealer who began the construction of a cult after all the battles settled down. It got big impossibly fast, due to warp fuckery likely the same as created Future Commissar. Slain in battle, and currently enshrined within the Cathedral of The Four Armed Emperor.

• Sister Cecilia A former Sister of Battle, she was infected by the genestealer patriarch, and got REALLY into worshipping the Four Armed Emperor. She now leads the genestealer cult ground forces. Peacefully submitted to execution by Sister Barbastella.

• Norn Queen Becky - The insidious Norn Queen burrowed beneath the planet, plotting her revenge on everyone else. Has some sort of a bizarre vendetta against the Order of the Ermine Mantle.

Necrons

• Menkaukht or steve, thinks he's a human

Tau

• Shas'Vre Tash'var Dorax A Farsight enclaves soldier who came to the planet originally as a reconnaissance mission but then buddied up with a Tsons sorcerer and then broke off to continue a new mission of killing as many T'au of the Sept worlds as he could, especially after he found out they were corrupted by Slaanesh. His suit was possessed by a daemon which has begun to teach him the art of melee and stole a sword from the Grey Knights.

• Fio'Vre Mal'Caor

• Aun'Dik Formerly an Ethereal with a penchant for fine ass bitches, Aun'Dik's hedonistic desires were twisted into devotion to Slaanesh. After falling to Chaos, Aun'Dik proceeded to corrupt nearly every Tau under his command to Slaanesh. For his efforts, Aun'Dik was transformed into a daemon prince. He celebrated by raining Slaanesh tainted beer upon Angel's Landing, followed by crashing his ship onto the other side of the planet, where Shas'Vre Tash'var Dorax hunted him down and killed him. Aun'Dik is currently waiting in the warp for the time he can return to the material plane.

Chaos

Traitor Marines

• Hakron Geras Alpha Legion Operator-Master and current second in command to the Harrow-Master of Cell ΨO

• Headhunter Killteam λ The Alpha Legion Headhunters of Cell ΨO, lead by the Headhunter Prime Tylax. Captured the genestealer known as 'Scar'.

• Nerus Alpha Legion Apothecary of Cell ΨO. Got bored and let genestealer known as 'Scar' escape.

• Mefros Alpha Legion Infiltraitor of Cell ΨO

• Various unimportant squads of Legionnaires

• Xerxes of the Thousand Sons A Sorcerer from the Thousand Sons, he has bird head in addition to his normal one. He hates the bird head. Cursed Shas'Vre Tash'var Dorax's battlesuit with Ar-Pharazon. Cursed his rubric with a hat.

• Tar Gwill Last legionnaire of the Night Lords 83rd company. Working for the Alpha Legion, but doesn't like it too much.

The Lost and The Damned

• Drathor

• Medeth Absinthium

• Julius A native psyker who is being guided by the lord of change Tnez'ahman'Dor. Through experimentation and occasional coaching, he periodically develops new mutations and warp powers, including but not limited to; spontaneous mutation, an extra pinkie, invisibility, toxin resistant lungs, the ability to turn his flesh to metal, and a sapient snake-leg named trouser snake. he is naive and optimistic, so much so that he did not realize he was creating a change cult until he was explicitly told by his followers. his optimism causes his to view most things in a positive light, such as seeing his random mutations as upgrades to their recipients. the one exception to this is his view of the Sisters of battle, who were responsible for burning his friend Walter to death during the initial conflict on Stercus.

• Brick a tzaangor who carries around bricks. He is an idiot, but also a shrewd investor. Founder and CEO of Brick Corp.

The Neverborn

• Tnez'ahman'Dor A lord of change who has a long running plans that involve Stercus. these plans heavily feature the psyker Julius, who refers to Tnez'ahman'Dor as Walter, much to the lord of change's ire.

• Ar-Pharazon Bloodthirster of Khorne who one day was bored and wanted something to do, so he went through the warp to find the Tau fire warrior Shas'vre Tashvar Dorax and has been teaching him and his men the art of melee and it's importance, during the battle with Aun'dik he possessed and took control fully the suit of the Shas'vre when he was being seduced by the Ethereal and brutally murdered him, also turned the Shas'vre red, literally.

Gallery

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  The Gut smiling for the camera

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  Governess being positive

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  Sarah wishes that everyone would stop mixing her up with Sara

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  Look at this side character, being unimportant

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  Brick Corp is the rising star in the corporate world

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  And you think, your Ethereal is a asshole

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  The Governess surely knows how to advertise

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  Even in the grim darkness of the far future there are BFFs

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  Drathor being a badass

Threads

Thread 1: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58335731/

Thread 2: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58415703/

Thread 3: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58537811/

Thread 4: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58639533/

Thread 5: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58772704/

Thread 6: http://suptg.thisisnotatrueending.com/archive/58940370/

Videos

Video 1: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7qe9sYin-xc

Video 2: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yrwM32g9Jb4

Video 3: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aPx681taT20

Video 4: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wvD5q77BTbg

Video 5: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbDHaARIsrA

Video 6: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5UkzmhaA11I

Video 7: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pukk1uIcSRg

Video 8: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oaju9Zj7xTw

Video 9: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsbZo2M1Aus

Video 10: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTxL4ZmGYKM