Kurdoss Valentian

The ultimate beta.

"If you're not her priority, you're only an option."

– common wisdom for men in dating

Behold - the spooky love child of Scar from the Lion King, the Scriptural first murderer Cain (the real-life namesake for this Khaine), and Bob Cratchet from a Christmas Carol! Kurdoss Valentian (also known as "The Cuckold Craven King") is a Nighthaunt character and Husband to Lady Olynder. He is known for being one of the most comically put-upon characters of the setting - it seems every new bit of information we get to do with him comes with a new way in which he's mocked, bullied, teased, or otherwise shafted. Why him, you ask? Well...

History

In life, he was a ruthless deceiver and master tactician that backstabbed his way to the throne of his home nation, even killing his own brothers to secure his rise to power. This would have been all well and good, but he made the fatal mistake any monarch that lived in/around the Age of Myth in Shyish could do; he did all this... AND chose Sigmar as his patron god. Needless to say, one thing Sigmar and Nagash would agree on is that Kurdoss was a scumbag who needed to go down (Sigmar over the former, Nagash over the latter).

So, to punish Kurdoss, Nagash struck the man dead at his own coronation ceremony - literally just before he was about to ascend to the throne. But even as little more than an angry wraith, he kept his nasty streak and was as deadly as ever. Ever the utilitarian, Nagash was impressed. But remember, this IS Nagash we're talking about, he doesn't recover from Butthurt that easily. And being snubbed in favor of Hammer-Boy caused a whole lot of that. So, he was condemned even further; he was forced to marry Lady Olynder.

One may initially think that being married to the Mortarch of Grief - essentially a Demi-goddess - would be a boon, if anything. This is until one remembers that Olynder is canonically the literal most whiny and miserable spirit in the realms. She embodies pure misery. This marriage is so depressing that even Mannfred, the guy who blew up the Old World, nearly found himself pitying Kurdoss. And on top of that, the marriage is yet another joke at his expense from Nagash; it puts him as close to rulership as possible without actually having it. Amazing. Naturally, he isn't too happy. He is literally so bitter about his fate, that he exudes an aura of spite so potent that it makes the words of ACTUAL generals and such choke in their mouths. Perturabo is suddenly feeling inadequate in terms of bitterness levels.

And he has even more of a reason to feel bitter as of late; when he and wifey went on a road trip to the Eightpoints to help their family friend Katakros, he got temporarily destroyed and left to reform, presumably whilst Olynder worked with Be'lakor. Lately, he has been working within the Grieving Legion Procession, alongside Reikenor the Grimhailer and Awlrach the Drowner, both of whom presumably gossip about him behind his back in the ecto-lunch hall. Oh, and there's also the whole "Craventhrone Guard" thing.

A Million and One Pisstakes

About those extra punishments; what Nagash did was condemn Kurdoss to never be allowed true rulership. To that effect - and to rub salt in the wound, because y'know, why not - Nagash cursed him;

• He is forced to obey Olynder, no matter what, meaning that she is most definitely the one who wears the ethereal pants in this relationship.
• He cannot raise his voice above a whisper, so no epic or inspiring speeches from Kurdy.
• Whenever he's sent on a mission away from Lady Olynder, he still isn't allowed to be the commander.
• He was given the highly demeaning official title of "Craven King".
• He was graciously given several gifts which are actually further mockery. These include a Scepter exclusively for BONKing, a comically oversized Crown, and a big floating throne
• Bound to him are a pair of ghost "heralds", who are the spirits of his murdered brothers. Instead of serving as actual heralds, however, they just loudly mock him in a manner similar to Statler and Waldorf from the Muppets (Herald 1: "Hey, I wouldn't say we're like Statler and Waldorf." Herald 2: "Yeah, why's that?" Herald 1: "Those guys got to see actual kings sometimes!" Both: "DoHOHOHOHO!").
• He is accompanied at all times by the Craventhrone Guard - his own special bodyguard unit that steal EVERY SINGLE ONE of his kills by sniping them in the head just before they die.
• He's made to be a melee powerhouse precisely because he thought his greatest weapon was his mind and Nagash takes pleasure in reducing him to a brute with a mace.
• Every day at 5PM sharp, he receives a kick in the ghost-testicles from the nearest Tomb or Myrmourn Banshee. If he's extra unlucky that day, it can come from Olynder herself.
• All the other Nighthaunt Heros are contractually obliged to point and laugh at him every time he enters a room.

Gallery

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  Basically Kurdoss' entire (un)life.