Guidelines of the Space Marines

Guidelines of the Space Marines

0. Thou shall have no other lords save the Emperor. Except for thy Primarch. And thy Chapter Master. And the Chaplains. And the Captains as well. All right, you'll have lots of lords, but the Emperor shall be first among equals them. Because he's their lord too.

1. Thou shalt not refer to the Adepta Sororitas as "Bolter bitches," nor shalt thou go anywhere near our sisters during the time of their "Red Rage," lest thou wishes to be the first human to enter orbit without the aid of a drop pod.

2. Thou shalt not comment on the odd shape of the Inquisitor's head.

3. Thou shalt not do "wheelies" or "donuts" on thine bike. (Does not apply to White Scars or Ravenwing)

4. Thou shalt not have a "kegger" on the eve of battle, thus making yourselves less effective on the morn. (Does not apply to Space Wolves)

5. Thou shalt not refer to the Almighty Emperor as "The Righteous Dead Dude."

6. Eldar are not "cute!"

7. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Imperial Guard's weapons.

8. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino transports as "pimp wagons," nor shalt thou use the phrase, "If the Rhino be rockin', don't come a knockin'."

9. Thine Chapter Master is not a "drag".

10. Thou need not check to see if thy bolt pistol is loaded by looking down the barrel!

11. Thou shalt not go on panty raids into Sister of Battle monasteries, lest thou wishes to be the first human to cross the galaxy without the aid of a spacecraft.

12. Thou shalt not use thy scope for anything outside of battle. Anyone caught using them to spy out life mates shalt lose privileges.

13. Do not sell thy extra organs on the Black Market.

14. Though it is entertaining, thou shalt not wave a fly swatter near the Tyranid fleets.

15. Thou shalt not use thine chainsword as a backscratcher.

16. Thou shalt not use thy pistol as a q-tip.

17. Thou shalt not attempt to imitate heathen noise marines with "heavy metal" or "death metal" through thy com-speakers.(Only permitted if aforesaid music venerates the God-Emperor)

18. Although tempting, do not attempt to give a Tau a "high-five”, they will respond violently.

19. Thou shalt not laugh at how small IG men are.

20. Thou shalt not bend to the will of nerds playing war games, and act upon your own free will.

21. Thou shalt not tap the glass on the Dreadnought.

22. Thou shalt not feed the Orks, they will attempt to eat you instead.

23. Thou shalt not transmit images of unclothed Sisters through the Astropaths.

24. Thou shalt not advertise on thine armour.

25. Thou shalt not wave fake skulls at the Berserkers.

26. Thou shalt not wave a red flag near a Chaos Helbrute. Anyone caught will be left to the Helbrute's fury.

27. Thou shalt not tape pictures to your armour.

28. Thou shalt not release spiders inside the dreadnoughts.

29. Thou shalt not use thy bolter to kill bees.

30. Thou shalt not sniff warp fumes, anyone caught doing so will be given the emperor's mercy.

31. Thou shalt eat thy rations, and only thy rations unless other nourishment sources are the only options avaliable, and only on thy commanding officer's permission.

32. Thou shalt not steal thy commander’s dinner. He still needs it.

33. Thou shalt not take the Predator for a walk.

34. Thou shalt not use the Land Raider to "pick up chicks". Exceptions include critical VIPs identified by chapter command and they shall be left where and when thine orders command.

35. Thou shalt beware of strange noise in back of thy Land Raider.

36. Thou shalt guard thy bolter when camping with Imperial Guard.

37. Thou shalt not use bug bombs against the 'nids. It doesn't work anymore.

38. Thou shalt not play Internet games with Tzeentch (does not apply to the Blood Ravens).

39. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor.

40. Thou shalt not e-mail the Emperor spam.

41. Thou should beware of thy Lictor behind cardboard bushes.

42. This is not the answer.

43. Thou shalt not spray paint armour to make it look cool. Only the chapter livery is allowed in order to distinguish friend from foe. (Raven Guard, and their successor chapters are allowed camouflage.)

44. Thou shalt not have water gun fights with lasguns. (The Guard needs them.)

45. Thou shalt not juggle power weapons.

46. Thou shalt not hide video links in the Sisters of Battle's monastery. (What if we share them with The Emprah? Dude needs something to watch.) The Emperor is above such things.no he isn't

47. Grenades are not water balloons.

48. Thou shalt not use insect repellent against Tyranids. As bug bombs, it doesn't work anymore.

49. Thou shalt not use waterguns against Necrons.

50. Thou shalt not urinate on the Iron Halo.

51. Daemons are not thy friends.

52. Barney the Dinosaur is not thy friend.

53. Barney is a heretic.

54. Barney merchandise is simply prohibited.

55. Barney is not a Tyranid.

56. Digimon are not affiliated with the Necrons.

57. Pokemon are not Digimon!

58. Pokemon are not fun to play with.

59. C'tan shards are not Pokemon.

60. Thou shalt not steal candy from babies/orks/gretchin/Commissars. Serfs shall provide them.

61. Don’t play “Truth or Dare” with Sisters. Last month's incident shall NOT repeat.

62. Don’t play “Spin the Bottle” with Sisters. Wrongdoers shall serve alongside a Militarum Auxilia all-female unit for 3 terran standard years.

63. Don’t play “Hangman” with the Inquisitor or Berserker.

64. Thou shalt ignore strange voices in your head, if you do not you will be given the emperor's forgiveness.

65. Thou shalt not put a cork in the Inquisitor's pistol.

66. Thou shalt not use the Lasgun as a flashlight.

67. Thou shalt not hide the Land Raider in a lake unless ordered to do so by the force commander.

68. The Land Raider is not a hotel room! The Master of the Forge is still upset about it.

69. Spiking the beer is forbidden.

70. Shotguns are not practice guns.

71. Lasguns don’t make cool disco lights for your party.

72. Pixie wings are not jump packs.

73. Thou shalt not replace the Librarian's staff with a "Magician’s Wand”

74. Thou shalt not tip the Terminators over before battle.

75. Thou shalt not attempt to kill Tyranids with Mortein.

76. Thou shalt do it to em.

77. Thou shalt not do it to Nurgle (who would?)

78. Thou shalt not refer to Lasguns as torches.

79. Guard will not be referred to as 'spotlighters'

80. ‘Murder in the dark’ is prohibited when Chaos forces are captured.

81. Thou shalt not make fun of Chaos’ rusty Power Armour. (We need someone decent to fight with)

82. Thou shalt not do Spock impersonations around Eldar.

83. Don’t give ‘Fairy wings' to Eldar

84. Thou shalt not make liposuction jokes around Eldar.

85. Thou shalt not attempt to return books to a Librarian.

86. Thou shalt not trade thine bike for a skateboard.

87. Thou shalt not ignore the Chaplain as he recites the tales of Spot the Dog.

88. Putting corks into the engines of a Landspeeder is not funny.

89. C-3P0 is not a Necron ambassador.

90. Darth Vader isn’t the son of Abaddon.

91. Thou shalt not stay awake after “lights out” unless explicitly ordered.

92. Thou shalt not use the sentinel Powerlifter as a babe-magnet for the sisters.

93. If thou lose thine hand you shalt not nab one off the Imperial Guard.

94. Thou shalt not waterfight with civilians. Doing so during the "Free Time" periods is allowed, but chapter equipment shall stay in the chapter barracks and thine squadmates shall accompany you.

95. “It makes a funny noise” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.

96. “He started it” is not an excuse for punching Imperial Guardsmen.

97. Thou shalt not get a Sister intoxicated for thy own pleasures. Not all Sororitas orders allow intoxication and consecuences would be severe for the chapter.

98. Thou shalt not play monster with Orks.

99. Thou shalt not taunt a Dreadnought within reach of his foot by calling him "The Tin Man" from “Wizard of Oz”.

100. Thou shalt not harass the servitors even if they won’t notice.

101. Thou shalt not have an Ice Cream Superfantastical Day. Day periods are to be obeyed all days.

102. Thy name is not GiX. Unless it's actually GiX and registered as such.

103. Thou shalt not smoke/inhale/inject illegal pharmaceuticals into thy holy body even though your advanced physiological structure could probably withstand the effects.

104. Thou shalt not put "Ecstasy" in the punch when Battle Sisters arrive for a formal meeting with the Chapter's Authorities. Refer to guideline number 97 as to why.

105. Thou shalt not practice vampiric tendencies despite your urge to do so. (Blood Angels and successor chapters are exempt.)

106. Thou shalt not howl when the Chapter Master bends over. Space Wolves are NOT exempt, and shall be given the emperor's mercy if seen doing so. (Full Moon Out Tonight!)

107. Thou shalt not dare others to eat that squiggly thing.

108. Thou shalt not comment on being a better shot then the inquisitor.

109. The chaplain is not too preachy. He is Just preachy enough.

110. Gambling for grots, cultists or xeno slaves is not allowed. Servitors and loyal souls, captured or not, are worthy wagers.

111. Thy sergeant is not a pudgy shit.

112. Thou shalt not smack the Sister’s butt and then wink at her. Refer to the "Courtship, Diplomacy and Interpersonal Relations" section of the Codex Astartes for proper welcoming of the Sororitas representatives.

113. The lab research Tyranids are not for emergency rations.

114. Thou shalt not take the Emperor Titan for a spin. (watch Captain Titus is trained in operating them and is therefore an exception.)

115. Thou shalt not use a flamer to cook a whole cow and leave none for the others. Thou shall share with thine squadmates at least.

116. Thou shalt not set fly strips outside your tent in a Tyranid war zone. Evidence proves that Tyranids have developed resistance to all forms of pest control.

117. Thou shalt not wear Lord Commander Dante's Death Mask (or any Death Masks at all for that matter) on Halloween, any other masquerade parties or for fun, when not in battle!

118. Thou shalt not try to see how much a Death Company marine can take (physical and/or psychical)!

119. Thou shalt not put "tags" on the Holy Shrouds and/or Banners or write on it in anyway at all.

120. Rico’s Roughnecks are not real. But saint Jean Rasczak lives.

121. Thou shalt not over-charge thou bike!

122. Thou shalt not use the over-charged engines for "drag-racing"!

123. Thou shalt not have a Blood-party (as in tea-party) with Mephiston during battle!

124. Thou shalt not play "no blinking" with Mephiston! 'Approved after Mephiston's 14923rd consecutive victory.'

125. Thou shalt not give Tycho an Ork for his Birthday (or any day at all for that matter, or speak to him about Orks) unless is in a "piñata" sense. And he goes first.

126. Thou shalt not release Moriar from his restraints or tap in his vital liquids!

127. Thou shalt not ask the Sanguinary Priest for something to drink!

128. Thou shalt obey these 10 commandments! (Isn't it hard counting when being a scout?)

129. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to "fry your dinner"!

130. Thou shalt not use thy Jump Packs to get “KFC” or “Macca’s”.

131. Thou shalt not kill each other because "thou are the real Sanguinius".

132. Thou shalt not make wounds to resemble the wounds of thy mighty Primarch... the Chaplain paint these on your armour!

133. Thou shalt not "make bunny-ears" with thy fingers behind the Chaplain whilst he gives battle-orders.

134. Thou shalt not indulge in squig-eating contests.

135. Thou shalt not fake death in order to get blood from the Sanguinary Priests.

136. Thou shalt keep thou armour on, although thou might think thou are invincible, thou DO need thy armour!

137. Thou shalt not fall asleep whilst the Chaplain is in prayer.

138. Thou shalt not use thy weapons upon thyself, thou still can get hurt.

139. Thou shalt not jump out in front of the Rhino to get into the fight whilst still in motion...wait for orders to disembark!

140. Thou shalt look both ways before crossing the street. Property damage to civilian transports are still a diplomatic issue.

141. Thou shalt not try to "steal" assaults away from battle-brothers....they are allowed some fun too!

142. Thou shalt not use thy multi-meltas to light campfires. (In a similar manner, thou shalt not use the Terminator Captain's chainfist to open tins of baked beans)

143. Thou shalt not make jokes about the Tyranid's mighty One-Eyed monster (aye, pirate matey... guk!).

144. Thou shalt not mistake the Harlequin's Kiss for some fruity clown prank. Or for some heretical interspecies coutship.

145. Thou shalt not light cigarettes near the Hellhounds.

146. Thou shalt not bribe the Inquisitor to bring down Exterminatus on your ex-wife.

147. Genestealers ARE NOT trying to rob you of your denim trousers.

148. Thou shalt not chase thy Gretchin with a fork.

149. Thou shalt not call the firearms of the Imperial Guard “Sega Lock-Ons”.

150. Thou shalt not call the Adeptus Arbites “pigs” or “the filth”.

151. Thou shalt not place buckets of water over the Inquisitors door.

152. Inquisitors are not “Nigel no-friends”

153. Thou shalt not use thy laser sight to blind Imperial Guard.

154. Thou shalt not remove the Imperial Guards power packs from their Lasguns while they are asleep.

155. Thou shalt not play “frisbee” with a Tau Shield Drone.

156. Remember: a Primarch is for life, not for Christmas.

157. Thou shalt not eat toast in your power armour (I'm not going to hoover the crumbs out of the toes again).

158. Thou shalt not put fridge magnets on thy power armour. (Even if you have been to Cornwall.)

159. Thou shalt not tune into FM rock on your intercom.

160. Thou shalt not put bananas in the commander's rhino's exhaust pipes.

161. Thou shalt not hang "Pine Fresh" on Moriar (even if he is a bit ripe by now!)

162. Scented Pine Trees hanging off Rear Vision mirrors in favour of the Dice, is now prohibited.

163. Thou shalt not offer to clean the sister's armour whilst they change.

164. Thou shalt not use Power weapons or Chain-weapons to cut your food.

165. Thou shalt shalt not remove the batteries from weapons to put in your RC toys.

166. Thou shalt not swap the salt and pepper.

167. Thou shalt not play "I see, I see what you don't see" over the intercom during battles!

168. Thou shalt not "go out to get cigarettes" during prayers!

167. Thou shalt not make remarks about the physical appearance of Sisters.

168. Thou shalt not swap your battle-brothers gun with a waterpistol.

169. Thou shalt not participate in any intoxication (i.e. alcohol) contests with Imperial Guards. (It's a sin to cheat the common man! And that goes double for sisters of battle! see guideline 97)

170. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if her armour isn't too small.

171. Thou shalt not ask a Sister about her age.

172. “No” means “No”.

173. Thou shalt not ask a Sister if you might donate some of your own Gene-seed.

174. Thou shalt not make cat-sounds when Sisters argue.

175. Thou shalt refer to Sister Supreme as 'Mistress'.

176. Thou shalt not refer to Ork Dreadnoughts as 'garbage bins'.

177. Thou shalt not make funny noises during a speech/prayer.

178. Thou shalt not "play shooting range" with Gretchen’s.

179. Thou shalt not brag about how many you've killed with a Dark Eldar.

180. Thou shalt not write or "put tags" on vehicles and/or armour.

181. Thou shalt not use Servitors to catch your paper.

182. Thou shalt not play "fetch" with Tyranids using grenades...they no longer fall for it.

183. Thou shalt not yell “catfight!” when Sisters argue.

184. Thou shalt not press the buttons in a Vinticator siege tank.

185. Thou shalt not hum anime theme songs when around the Tau (like Gundam)

186. Thou shalt not refuse the Sisters your chocolate rations, especially during the time of their "Red rage".

187. Thou shalt never refer to the size of a Sisters rear armour.

188. Thou shalt always offer to rub a Sisters feet after battle. I need not explain why.

189. Thou shalt always carry thine universal remote control when facing Necrons.

190. Thou shalt never offer to sell your soul to the Dark Eldar for beer money. Not even in jest.

191. Thou shalt never ask a Daemonette for some "handiwork", else thou will have to join the Sisters.

192. Thou shalt not remind your commander how many times he has been slain by the badly-coloured Tyranid.

193. Thou shalt leave the plasma gun well and truly alone.

194. Thou shalt not play Russian roulette with automatic weapons. It doesn't work (or it does too well, actually).

195. Thou shalt not shave the Space Wolves while they are asleep .

196. Thou shalt not load the dice. Doesn't matter that thine opponent is a powergamer or a munchkin. Win fair and square.

197. Thou shalt not move that extra little inch in movement phase.

198. Thou shalt not fire thy bolter at enemies you can't really see but at a leg sticking out of a building.

199. Thou shalt follow thy rulebook.

200. Thou shalt not make up rules.

201. Thou are not fearless... thou art fearless... ugh anyone got a codex?

202. Thou shalt not laugh at the t.

203. Thou shalt beware of bird poo when greater daemon of Tzeentch is around.

204. Thou shalt not throw soap at Nurglings.

205. Thou shalt not use penicillin-tipped bolts in your boltgun against Nurglings.

206. Thou shalt not waste thy 15 minutes free time trying to get laid.

207. Thou shalt beware of possessed 2-liter coke bottles.

208. Thou shalt not stare at feet during the battle march.

209. Thou shalt not aim at thy commanders back.

210. Thou shalt watch thy foot steps.

211. Beware of the drunken Leman Russ driver. Or gunner.

212. Thou shalt not binge drink with the Imperial Guard.

213. Thou shalt not challenge a Daemon Prince to a fist fight. Not even with power fists.

214. Thou art expendable. A bell may toll on holy terra for every mortal hero of the Imperium. But you will be happy in your cold lonely death.

215. Thou shalt look before thou leaps.

216. Thou shalt not bring your sack lunch to battle.

217. Thou shalt not use thy bike as a battering ram unless there is no other choice. (White Scars are exempted)

218. Thou shalt beware of potholes and speed bumps.

219. Lord Logan is not "Wolfie".

220. Seraphim do not want to join the "Mile High Club".

221. Spiky bits are not meant for hanging laundry on.

222. An Ultramarines scout is not "little boy blue".

223. Never refer to the Canoness as "big momma".

224. Thou shalt not put “kick me” signs on thou brothers backs.

225. Thou shalt not nail Nurglings to the back of the rhino as fuzzy decorations.

226. Thou shalt not put itching powder in a Dreadnought.

227. Thou shalt not wink suggestively at Daemonettes. They might wink back and that ISN'T good.

228. Thou shalt not use can openers on Ork Dreadnoughts.

229. Thou shalt not replace the commissars' comm-link with a plasma grenade for a laugh.

230. Thou shalt not refer to armoured companies as agoraphobes.

231. Thou shalt not ask techmarines to put mag wheels on your bike.

232. Thou shalt not use a looted Terrorfex for Halloween.

233. Thou shalt not sneak into the rock while the Dark angels are asleep and discover that their secret is that all the high ranking angels wear dresses. Er... oops...

234. Thou shalt not invite babes back to the monastery.

235. Thou shalt not spike drinks with Sanguinius’ blood.

236. Thou shalt not step on Guardsmen and then say that you didn't see them.

237. Thou shalt not refer to Paul Sawyer as "The Great Unclean One".

238. Thou shalt not call a Dark Angel "Jessica Alba".

239. Thou shalt not give a Sister of Battle breast implants. Not even if you are an Apothecary.

230. Neither shalt thou ask whether those “guns” are real or not.

231. Thou shalt never say anything about the Squats. Wait... OH SHIT!!!

232. Thou shalt not overheat a plasma gun for a college prank.

233. Thou shalt not give the Death Company caffeine.

234. Thou shalt not insult a Thousand Son about his privates.

235. Thou shalt not taunt a Space Wolf with a piece of steak.

236. Thou shalt not put a "kick me" sign on the Golden Throne.

237. Thou shalt not poop thy power armor.

238. Thou shalt not make mention of the irony that a Grot blaster is a Lasgun, only the Orks admit it is crappy.

239. Thou shalt not overclock thine Pentium and use it as a plasma weapon.

240. Thou shalt not intentionally overheat a plasma weapon and give it to an IG. (Hey thanks mate!... What’s that bleeping sound?... SPLAT)

241. Thou shalt not trip over Tau.

242. Thou shalt not attempt to steal a Tau's weapon "to give to the poor Guardsmen".

243. Thou shalt not moon the Tau in combat. They are good shots.

244. Thou shalt not invoke the wraith of conures. If you are foolish enough to do so, a conure the size of two to four titans shalt descend upon the table and inflict his wraith.

245. Thou shalt not attempt to borrow Tau stealth suits so that you might spy on the sisters in their quarters.

246. Thou shalt not attempt to rebuild a Necron as a washing machine.

247. Thou shalt not laugh at the poorly painted armies. (Haha look at that purple Tau!... Guk!)

248. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with a Kroot flesh-hound using a guardsman.

249. Thou shalt not go big game fishing for Manta Missile Destroyers.

250. Thou shalt not try to change the batteries on a Scarab.

251. Thou shalt not use the Blades of Reason to trim thy fingernails.

252. Thou shalt not feed the warp beasts.

253. Thou shalt not pet the Kroot hounds.

254. Thou shalt not ask the Sisters whether it's dyed or real.

255. Thou shalt not call Old One Eye "Surf and Turf".

256. Thou shalt not moonlight as a security guard if thine armour is red.

257. Thou shalt not use the Hellhound to cook thy rations.

258. Thou shalt not use thy power armour's vid-link to prank call the Imperial Guard storm troopers.

259. Thou shalt not sneak up on thy commanding officer, and yell "BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" in his ear.

260. Thy bolter is not to be used to shoot cans off walls.

261. Thou shalt not steal the Land Speeder to "pick up Sisters".

262. The Leman Russ is not a kettle. Do not attempt to use it to make tea. Nor coffee.

263. Thou shalt not attempt to empty your waste-paper basket into an Ork Dreadnought.

264. Thou shalt not refer to the Rhino as a "Clown Car", although thou might think it is.

265. When throwing thy holiest of His grenades always count to three, yes three, not one, for it is not the holiest of numbers, or two, for the holiness of two pales in comparison, but three, yes three, not one or two, unless thou shalt be proceeding to three.

266. Thou shalt not refer to the Machine Spirit as "Cruise Control".

267. Thou shalt not use blind grenades to sneak into the Sister's encampment.

268. Thou shalt not mention the name "Buffy" when near the Blood Angels.

269. Thou shalt not use Necron Scarabs as "Boogie Boards".

270. Thou shalt not call Harlequins “psychedelic” nor “groovy”

271. Thou shalt never show an army of orks more than two Harlequins at once.

272. Thou shalt never laugh at the Laughing god. It might laugh back.

273. Thou shalt never play “Hide and Seek” with Librarians or Inquisitors.

274. Thou shalt not play “tag” with Gaunts.

275. Thou shalt never tie power armour laces together.

276. Thou shalt never say "Resistance is futile" to the Adeptus Mechanicus.

277. Thou shalt never criticize the “paper boys” in the Adeptus Administratum.

278. Thou shalt not sell chapter property (e.g. battle barge, fortress monastery) on eBay.

279. Thou shalt not put a cork in thine battle brothers waste disposal outlet tube.

280. Thou should not "entertain" the Adeptus Sororitas in your billet.

281. Thou shalt not refer to Imperial Guardsmen as "Cannon fodder".

282. The Imperial Guard Colonel did not visit a fancy-dress shop. Even if he/she did.

283. The lasgun is not to be used to carve your name into the Land Raider's/ Predator's/ Rhino's/ Razorbacks/ Leman Russ's/ Titan's armour plating. (It won’t work anyway)

284. Thou shalt not lend Imperial Guardsmen your power armour or swap places for a day with Guardsmen.

285. Thou shalt not try to perform brain surgery wearing power armour. Apothecaries are for that.

286. Thou shalt not assume that because thy can take a bolter hit in the head, the Guardsman over there can too.

287. Thou shalt not use Tau shoulder pads as padding in games of cricket.

288. Thou shalt not hide the keys to the battle barge.

289. Thou shalt not call Ork Dreadnoughts/Killer Kans "R2-D2's big brother".

290. Thou shalt not threaten thy enemy with a "plasma enema" and thou shalt not carry out the act.

291. Thou shalt not flirt with the Banshee.

292. Thou can not date a Dark Eldar Wych.

292. Thou shalt not steal the Battle Sisters makeup.

293. Thou shalt not try on the Battle Sisters armour to see if it compares to your own.

294. Thou shalt not make fun of Warp Spiders guns.

295. Thou shalt not take the Land Raider for a joy ride.

296. Thou shalt not perform dare devil stunts in the Rhino. Especially if thine brethren are in the back.

297. Thou shalt not hijack the Battle Sisters Immolator. Especially if there are any Battle Sisters still on board!

298. Thou shalt not add bits to thine armour to try to pass thyself off as a Battle Sister.

299. Thou shalt not try to dance with a Howling Banshee on the field of battle.

300. Thou shalt not throw sticks for the Space Wolves.

301. Thou shalt not play “fetch” with the Space Wolf Commanders or “pet” Fenrissian Wolves.

302. Thou shalt not keep a Tyranid as a pet.

303. Thou shalt not challenge a Carnifex to a game of “catch”.

304. Thou can not tie a Wraithlords laces together (they don't have any).

305. Thou shalt not call a Battle Sister “babe”.

306. Thou shalt not be envious of the IG unit who art friends to the Sister Famulous!

307. Thou shalt not steal the Tau pulse rifles, even if they are better than bolters.

308. Thou shalt not stick “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on the Sisters' Rhino.

309. Thou shalt not honk if thy sees a sticker saying “Honk if you think I'm sexy” on a Sister's Rhino, nor shalt thou not honk so as not to offend any Sisters riding in said Rhino.

310. Thou shalt not ask thy battle sister if they would like to slip into something more comfortable.

311. The hellhound is not something you put on a leash and take for "walkies".

312. Thou shalt not arm-wrestle with Tactical Dreadnoughts. Bionic implants are running low.

313. Thou shalt not watch whilst the battle sisters change out of their power armour.

314. Ork Warbosses are not toys, you can not try to pull their arms off and jump up and down on them.

315. Don't kick Grots without reason. "They make a cute sqeak" is not a valid reason.

316. Thou shalt not slice three toes off each foot of the Tau and see how well they walk. Leave such practices to the Inquisitor.

317. Thou shalt not relieve thy self behind a tree during battle.

318. Thou shalt not go to thy Great Emperor and make him "perform an illegal operation and be shut down".

319. Thou shalt not wrestle thy battle sisters and try to "pin them down".

320. An Iron Halo is not a toy.

321. A tank is not a toy.

322. A Dreadnought is not a toy.

323. Thou shalt not jump on the back of a Dreadnought in battle and see how long thou can stay on.

324. Thou shalt not play toy soldiers with the Guardsmen.

325. The Space Hulk is not a wrestler. Insistents will discover that it's their next deployment theatre.

326. Spiky bitz are not 'cool'.

327. Khorne is a Chaos God, not a food.

328. Thou shalt not use lightning claws as scissors. Specially the Mk. IV "Maximus" or Cataphactii models.

329. Thou shalt not use power armour power points to plug in thy GameBoy.

330. Thou shalt not use hellions skyboards to impress the sisters.

331. Thou shalt not place a flashing light on top of the rhino so that it is easier to find in the car park.

332. If showing a tau how thy boltgun works thou will not give it to him the wrong way round.

333. A Necron is not a Mecano kit.

334. Nurglings are not over date.

335. Thou shalt not make unfunny, fucktarded lists.

336. Thou shalt not parody the 10 Commandments in anyway, shape or form. This fucked-up list is thus scheduled by a committee of Chaplains of all First Founding Chapters. Those responsible for it's conception and the insinuation of such Heresies on the part of the Adeptus Astartes shall be cleansed of their wickedness.

337. Thou shalt not use 'Ye Olde Butcherede Englishe'.

338. Thou shalt continue giving money to Games Workshop until thine wallet is empty.

339. Thou shalt ignore rules 336 and 337.

340. Thou shalt not use the orbital drop pods for burger runs.

341. Thou shalt buy from Crazy Hassan.

342. TAKBEER!

343. ALLAH-HU-AKBAR!

344. YE SHALT RESORT TO NEWER FORMS OF COMEDY. RATHER THAN INVOKING THE SAME IDIOTIC JOKE ABOUT SPACE MARINES AND SISTERS BEING CAPABLE OF HIGHSCHOOL-ESQUE FORNICATION AND GENERAL DOUCHEFAGGOTRY.

345. Thou shalt not put on rap music whenever a salamander is in sight.

346. Although tempting, Thou shalt not invite Night Lords to Imperial Halloween parties.

347. Thou shalt not ask the Iron Warriors to do road constructions.

348. Thou shalt not attend an Emperor's Children concert.

349. Thou shalt not use orbital bombardment command for fire works.

350. Thou shalt not attempt to tame a Space Wolf.

351. Thou shalt not refer to Rubric Marines as "Caspers".

352. Thee shalt stop writing this on the toilet stall's wall.

353. Thou shalt not use Skull Probes to "check the plumbing" in the Sisters of Battle shower rooms.

354. Profit

355. Thou shalt kill.

356. Thou shalt spill BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD! *BLAM*

357. Thou shalt not refer to thy Salamander brethren as; 'niggers', 'blackies', 'slaves', 'monkeys', 'niggershits', 'homeboyz' nor 'shitskins'.

358. Breaking rule 357 is punishable by death.

359. Thou shall not refer to the Emperor as 'My Undead Homeboy'

360. Thou shall NOT molest Matt Ward. There are other methods of torture and the Inquisition can provide you detailed guidelines.

361. Thou shalt brutalize Matt Ward in the most gruesome and most painful way ever imaginable.

362. Thou shalt not anger Sly Marbo for he shalt rip thou head off.

363. Thou shalt not, although tempting, buttfuck the Daemonettes. Doing so is heresy!

364. Thou shalt not refer to the Blood Angels as the sparkling vampire marines. They are noble Astartes and deserve the respect such a distinction warrants.

365. Thou shalt not refer to the Chapter Master of the Ultramarines as "Papa Smurf" to his face. He is an honourable man and deserves your public respect. Wait until he is out of the room.

366. Thou shalt not have the Space Wolves declared excommunicate traitoris for being "furries". The High Lords of Terra have not deemed it punishable by death. Yet.

367. Thou shalt not determine the viability of a Dreadnought by poking him with a stick. He is thy venerable battle-brother, and shall be treated with the respect warranted by such a distinction.

368. Thou shalt not play "I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours" with the Succubi; thou shalt surely lose "thine."

369. Thou shalt not challenge an Ork Boy to a shouting match, nor shalt thou challenge him to an insult contest.

370. Thou shalt not play "William Tell" with Nurglings.

371. Thou shalt not refer to/declare the Imperial Fists sexual deviants just because they sound German. They are Space Marines, and thus have no interest in sex.

372. Thou shalt not place a television before the Golden Throne on the grounds that "I'm giving the Emperor something to do". Signal reception is horrible that deep below the Imperial Palace, and fixing it will distract the Techpriests from the more important duty of keeping the Emperor alive.

373. Thou shalt not brofist a battle brother while wearing a Power Fist. Doing so results in an untidy mess.

374. Thou shalt not play "Nurgling Tennis", "Nurgling Volleyball", or "Nurgling Croquette".

375. Thou shalt not run crying to the Inquisition when your Captain defeats a demon prince single-handedly. That is why Librarians and Chaplains exist.

376. Thou shalt not follow orders from the Inquisition unless ordered to do so by thine commanding officer.

377. Thou shalt give the high inquisitor a flying-turban wedgie.

378. Thou shalt ignore Fucklaw's laser pointer. If he uses it on you, paint "SQUAD BROKEN" on the wall of his barracks in his blood.

379. Thou shalt not try to pawn Grey Knights' silver-flecked nemesis weapons for gambling money.

380. Thou shalt not declare in exclamation the words "And I'll form the Head!" to the Dreadknight.

381. Thou shalt NEVER deploy Vindicare assassins against female Eldar farseers.

382. Thou shalt not get into religion debate with Tau Ethereal.

383. Thou shalt not leave priceless irreplaceable Chapter relics lying around when battle brothers of the Blood Ravens are in the vicinity.

384. Thou shalt not exclaim loudly to the Inquisition that no one expects them.

385. Thou shalt ALWAYS expect the Emperor's Inquisition.

386. Thou shalt not put magnets on the Techpriests, for it makes them act funny until they stop function because of them.

387. Thou shalt not ask Commissar Raege if it's "that time of the month" every time she shouts at thee.

388. Thou shalt not steal Dreadnoughts from other Chapters. Yes, Chapter Master Angelos, that means you.

389. Thou shalt not give "Che" t-shirts to the Tau.

390. Thou shalt not antagonize thy brothers of the Angry Marines chapter. We already have enough trouble with them as it is.

391. Thou shall not bring a sword to a fistfight, lest thou be fisted hard.

392. Thou shall not run away with a Sister of Battle and marry them. While certain Sororitas orders accept retirement and marriage for their members, the Adeptus Astartes do NOT.

393. Thou shalt not watch YouPorn during battles!

394. Thou shalt not search YouPorn for videos of Sisters of Battle!

395. Thou shalt not show YouPorn videos of Sisters of Battle to Techpriests!

396. Thou shalt not ask IG Comissar to execute your battle brother for stealing your helmet!

397. Thou shalt not steal your battle brother's helmet if you have misplaced yours!

398. Thou shalt not swap IG Lasguns to real flashlights. (Though they'll probably do more damage)

399. Thou shalt remember every guidelines perfectly.

400. Thou shalt not joke about Emperor's golden throne as "Golden Toilet Seat!"

401. Thou shall not go full retard.

402. Thou shalt not let Games Workshop charge 20 thrones for 5 dire avengers.

403. However, thou shalt not allow PP to charge £40 for 10 retribution infantry in plastic.

404. ERROR: Guideline not found!

405. Thou shalt not referance the ancient terran seer Xzybit whilst in the presence of a dreadknight.

406. Thou shalt not do a Canoness unless asked by/with permission of the chapter command and the Ordo Hereticus.

407. Thou shalt not engage the Emperor in a staring contest. You'll lose anyway.

408. Thou shalt not use thy power fist to high five or slap bet thy brothers.

409. When talking to a sister, thou shalt look her in the eyes, no lower! No matter how tempting...

410. Thou shalt not put thine pauldrons on backwards

411. Thou shalt not wonder what the Emperors penis was like.

412. Thou shalt not refer to the Blazoned Legion as the Hippie, Stoner, Pothead, or the 420 Legion.

413. Thou shalt not put a Tyranid Ripper on a leash as a pet and call it Spike.

414. Thou shalt not put hallucinogenics in thy brother's power armor environnemental systems as a "gag".

415. Thou shalt not strap Guardsmen to thy storm shield to make a personal meat shield (they are to be shared).

416. Thou shalt not refer to the Emperor as "The Great Zombie Jesus".

417. Thou shalt not attempt to sell thy jump pack to a Raptor. Doing so is heresy!

418. Thou shalt not put a sticker on any of thy Bretheren's rear pelvis plate no matter how funny it is.

419. Even if it says 'Insert heresy here'.

420. Thou shalt not use thine rhino to hot box thyself and/or brothers.(exception: Angry Brethren Chapter)

421. Thou shalt remember that no matter how funny it is, scribing upon your Land Raider "My other ride is your sister" is tech-heresy.

422. Picking Thine nose and flinging it is heresy at its worst. Thy nose promethium contains precious parts of thine genetic code and should be turned over to the nearest apothecary immediately.

423. Squat, Grot, and Ratling Tossing is not a game sanctioned or tolerated by the Inquisition. Any betting on thereof shall be confiscated and donated to the Widows of Armageddon charity henceforth.

424. Thou shalt not insert one or more Imperial Guardsman into the Exhaust Pipe of a Titan with the purpose of causing the Titan to "Stall out". Doing so is punishable by Official Censure From the Mechanicum and Astra Militarum. Performing this with a commissar or Planetary governor adds a half reduction in a weeks rations to the censure.

425. Titans shall not be requisitioned for the sole purpose of charging your IPAD (Inquisitorially Provisioned Auditory Device).

426. Shouting 'NEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRDSSSSS' at Techmarines and other officers of the Mechanicum is not acceptable by any chapter other than our angry brethren who have special dispensation.

427. Thou shalt not play 'Hot potato' with the Commissars and live grenades.

428. For the Adeptus Custodes : The Rogue Transmissions from a certain Satellite orbiting earth dubbed the S.O.L are to be ignored and redirected to the Mechanicum. They wish to study the transmissions to research the machine spirits of the Satellite's robotic inhabitants. For those of you that queried how the inhabitants eat and breathe along with other science facts, repeat to yourself "The Emperor knows", you should really just relax.

429. Thou shalt not ask if a Tech-Priest has a Cybernetic dong.

430. Thou shalt not call the Deathwatch "Overglorifed recaf makers."

431. Thou shalt not call Space Wolves "Dogfuckers" , "furries" , "Furfags" or "Otherkin." (Disgard if thou are a member of the Space Wolves.)

432: Thou shalt not make fun of the Space Wolves use of 'Wolf'.

434: Thou shalt not call Thousand Sons "Nerds".

435: Thou shalt not call a Sister of Battle "Fat" under ANY circumstances. Ever.

436: Thou shalt not "Pimp" thy landraider.

437: Thou shalt not play "Walk like an Egyptian" when fighting Thousand Sons or Necrons

438: Thou shalt not call Thousand Sons "dustbunnies"

489: Thou shalt not call the White Scars japanese.

490: Thou shalt wake up Dreadnaughts just to hear stories.

491: Thou shalt not say, "There goes the segmentum," when Salamanders are deployed on a mission with you.

492: Thou shalt not shit on an Ultramarines emblem if thou wish for thine anal cavity to remain

493: Thou shalt not make Malal canon.

494: Thou shalt not make Malal non-canon.

495: Thou shalt not refer the Salamanders as “Uber Jamaicans”

496: Thou shalt not refer to the Emperor as "The Big E"

Additional Guidelines to hold due to recent events.

497: We remind to our newly incepted brothers that the guidelines must be followed at all times. Even if thou think that they don't apply to you.

498: Thou shall not confirm if thine Primaris brethen are proportional "down there".

499: For those most blessed with access to Plasma weaponry: Thou shall not scam thine Primaris brethen their Plasma Incinerators in exchange for a "blessed plasmagun dating from the origins of thine chapter".

• Even if thine plasmagun is.
  • Other pieces of equipment exclusive to thine Primaris brethen are also forbidden. If thou wish to have them, undergo the conversion into a Primaris.

500: All guidelines related to usage and bad practices relating to Rhinos, Land Raiders and Land Speeders hold true to Repulsors. ALL OF THEM.

501: Thou shall not use the Heavy Plasma Incinerator's generator extension to charge the battery of other non-commisioned devices, such as datasleets, smartphones or recreational handheld devices.

• No, "I'm in the verge of destroying this heretical camp in Drop Assault!" is not excuse.

502: As with Terminators, thou shall not trip over thine brethen in Gravis armor.

503: Even if thou're being considerate, thou shall not hand to thine Primaris brethen thine more exotic arms, like Meltaguns or Lascannons. Archmagos Cawl is working on versions for them. Hopefully.

• To our Primaris brothers: In the same vein as the previous gruideline, thou shall not try to fool the Armory by asking for exotic weaponry. Our Master of the Armory checks all assigned wargear so you'll only waste thine and his time.
• These rules also apply to vehicles unless chapter approved.

504: Thou shall not ask thine Inceptor brethen if they know about some show called "Youjo Senki" or "Tale of Tanya the Evil". They're starting to get sick of it.

505: To our blessed brothers who even in death, they serve: No, thou can't be installed in a Redemptor Dreadnought frame. Sadly it's already been tried and we will honour brother Agnatio's sacifice.

506: The Repulsor transports use their exterior auxiliar storage to keep ammunitions, supplies and shrines for easy access in the midst of battle, not to hold "2 c00l 4 the 2nd founding" signs.

507: The crews assigned to Astraeus-class vehicles shall not engage in shooting/destroying/speed competitions with crews of Baneblades, Fellblades or other superheavy vehicles. The last ones were registered in the Techmarines' sismographs!

508: Despite your notions of what pass for consideration, thou shall not gift the Lord Commander Guilliman a rear pillow for his "10.000 years of sore ass".

509: Thou shall not remind Kor'sarro Khan the fact that Kayvaan Shrike is Chapter Master and he is not unless thou wish be the first being to reach orbit through purely biological means

510: Thou shall not celebrate Cato Sicarius' disappearance. This guideline is not required to be upholded by any Ultramarine.

• Neither shall lament Cato Sicarius' return. Our fenrisian brothers have provided a hefty supply of Fenrisian ale for those who ask.

511: Thou shall not even think that the good relations with the Ynnari means that thou have leeway with Howling Banshees, Wyches, Harlequins and other aeldari females.

512: The only Imperial allowed to speak to Yvraine with familiarity is the Lord Commander. Ignore this guideline at your own risk. "I DARE YOU" - The Visarch.

• Thou shall also not comment on the Lord Commander's relationships with other females.

513: Thou shall not accept gifts from Archmagos Belisarius Cawl without chapter approval.

• Thou shall not accept ANYTHING from Archmagos Belisarius Cawl without chapter approval.

514: Thou shall get over the fact that the Adeptus Custodes' members are better than you.

515: Thou shall not "borrow" equipment from the Adeptus Custodes without permission of both organisations' command. The Adeptus Custodes expects the Blood Ravens to give back what they took.

516: Thou shall not gift custard to the Custodians. THAT WAS A JOKE.

517: Thou shall not take "selfies" with a Custodian unless asked by the custodian himself.

518: Pre-019 M3: Thou shall celebrate the future arrival of the plastic Sisters of Battle. Post-019 M3: Thou shall thank the Emperor for the arrival of plastic Sisters of Battle.

519: Thou shall not pester thine Primaris Apothecary about his necklaces of progenoid jars.

520: Thou shall not remind Marneus Calgar that the Lord Commander pefers Cato Sicarius and Lord Dante.

520: Thou shalt not refer to the custodians as "bananas in pajamas” nor shalt thou refer to the Emperor’s personal companions as "banana strippers" or "cone heads". Thou can, however, refer to the Aeldari as such.

521: Thou shalt not use thy Mechanicus-issued chainsword as a toothbrush...unless you are Sly Marbo in which case you may do whatever you please.

522: If thou are promised confections from a strange looking purple and black Chaos Space Marine in a Land Raider, get an adult. You already have a confection ration, it is not even needed in the first place.

523: Thou shalt not use a conversion beamer to "ray away the gay”. It doesn’t work. We tried it on the Harlequins...it just makes a mess.

524: Thou shalt not punt Ratlings and Squats....unless you have an Imperial-sanctioned scorepost and fill out Squat Punting form 817c first.

525: Thou shalt not play "hide and go seek" with the Raven Guard...unless thou wishes to be on the next deployment fighting Eldar Craftworld Alaitoc.

526: Thou shalt not replace the Commissar’s sanctioned bolt pistol with a Mechanicus-issued BB gun replica. Those men were meant to be executed.

527: When a dreadnought or Sentinel engages a Tyranid Hive Tyrant, Norn Queen or any other “Super Heavy Creature", thou shalt not yell out "Get away from her you BITCH!"

528: Thou shalt not throw dog biscuits at the Space Wolves (Wulfen are fair game though).

529: Thou shalt not hum the “Jaws” theme around the Carcharadons, that is their sacred battle hymn and we got a very nasty letter from their chaplains last month asking us to stop. It is not funny.

530: Likewise, humming the “Baby Shark” theme around the scout company of the Carcharadons is now illegal under the Lex Imperialis, (Seriously, if I have to hear that song one more time!)

531: Thou shalt not "flip the bird" near Marines Malevolent, lest thou wishes to experience pain, unless the Salamanders are present in which case flip away.

532: Thou shalt not tease Enginseers with toasters.

533: Thou shalt not inquire a Dark Angel about what happened to Caliban.

534: Thou shalt not inquire a Raven Guard marine about the raptor project.

If thou is having a hard time remembering all the guidelines...

1. Thou shalt not under any circumstances commit Heresy!