Editing Oinkbane (section)

== Steve & Skitters ==

Refrek Spine Snapper: Oinkbane is the greatest assassin on the continent. No one is out of his reach, no one is beyond his tactics.

Guys... I think he needs a sidekick.

A were rat named Skitters who is a cowardly thief? also she isn't a human turned rat, rather a rat turned human?

Or a normal human named Steve who is suspiciously out of place for no matter what setting he is in? Steve, who never fits to the setting yet looks like the most casual and average man there is. In high fantasy he is dressed in jeans and a button down. In sci-fi he is dressed in jeans and a button down. In swashbuckling adventure he is dressed in a jeans and a button down. In a horrible dystopian future he wears his old assassins robes. In current day setting.... wears nothing but a smile

Part 1:
“Welcome to our guild acolyte. Your skills in stealth will be of great use here.” The assassin master Agropos said while waving the acolyte into the sanctum. The young recruit gulped as he slowly walked inside. “There is no need to fear. Your death now would be nothing more than a cruel joke. And our gods have no sense of humor.” Another master chortles after hearing that, “You lie fool. Do not forget about the chosen of the Western Sanctum.”
“WE DO NOT SPEAK OF THAT THING!” Agropos screamed. “Ignore him! He speaks of CRAZY THINGS!” Agropos mimed waving his hands over his hooded head wildly. “ALL THE TIME! There. Is. Nothing. To. Worry. About!” “Uh…yes master. Of course,” the acolyte replied. Agropos composed himself and turned. Motioning with his hand he guided the young man deeper inside. As they left the entrance the other master started making soft ‘oinking’ noises. The acolyte was anointed without much to do. Three masters informed him of the true skills of the assassin: Stealth, Dedication, Subltely. At that last one the master that oinked laughed a bit earning a glare from Agropos. “To prove yourself acolyte, you must slay this woman.” Agropos revealed a drawing of exquisite detail. “Slay her and claim the green gem from her pendant and you will be one of us.” “Thank you, master. I will not fail you.”
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Part 2:
He stood on the roof of the opposite building just beyond his target’s compound. The massive stone wall built as if protecting a king or noble instead of a mere paranoid merchant. With a skillful shot from his crossbow he made a zipline over the wall, beyond the view of the guards. Crossing to the main building’s roof he prepared to infiltrate when a whistle made him freeze. “INTRUDER! INTRUDER!” a guard’s voice rang out. Whirling the acolyte tried desperately to see how they could have seen him. Did he fly over too low? “MARK YOURSELF!” “Wait,” he thought, “That’s coming from the courtyard.” Leaning over the edge to see he watched as over a dozen guards surrounded a young girl with a basket of bread. “What is she? A vampire?” “WHO SENT YOU CHILD!” The girl, obviously frightened shook violently. The shudders increased and she fell to her knees crying, dropping her basket and sending the bread roll tumbling out, as the woman he had been sent to kill and a man who may have been her husband stormed out. “You fools! She still lives! He’s coming! The note!” “But sir…she’s only a girl. And the basket-" "SHE HAS A BASKET! CHECK IT!” the man screeched. The guards immediately began hacking the bread and its wicker container to pieces. “Damn,” the acolyte grunted. “With them on guard like this I’ll never-” And then a sound could be heard“ssssSS". “By the dark?” he asked as the sound grew louder. “NNNNNNNNNNNNNEAAAAAAAAAK!” A brown blur flew from the sky. It had the rough shape of a man but was built and bulky in unnatural ways. The form slammed like the fist of a god into the man, squashing him into a smear across the ground. “ATTACK!”
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Part 3:
“Is…is that a wereboar?” the acolyte asked? ”The woman, now coated in her husband’s slime, screamed. The guards immediately attacked swinging their weapons in wide safe arcs. The creature snorted and stood, ignoring a gash across its chest. It tumbled backward and the guards proceeded to stab and eviscerate its corpse. “HOLD! It’s dead.” “Wait…sir…it’s…” one of the guards crouched down and sifted through the remains. He lifted a piece and held it up to the captain. “Bread?” “TOO SUBTLE FOR YOUUUUUUUUU!” the voice of the wereboar echoed through the courtyard as its mallet crushed the skull of the woman and the guard captain next to her in one swift blow. The acolyte gaped at the scene, his face growing paler and paler as the carnage went on. Slowly creeping away from the edge he scaled down, snuck around to the woman’s corpse and snatched the necklace, which in the melee had been crushed into her now mostly liquid torso. Upon his return the masters clapped in honor of him. “Wait. I must confess. It was not I who killed the target. A…A creature interrupted the assignment.” Agropos straightened, “What…kind of creature?” “A wereboar.” Agropos slapped his forehead and growled deeply. “Damnable Oinkbane.” Upon the speaking of the creature’s name the door to the weapon room slammed open revealing none other than the beast itself.
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Part 4:
“How did he-” “DON’T ASK!” Agropos yelled. “Oinkbane…what do we owe the pleasure?” “Muh mallet wuz derti,” he replied as he wiped it with a robe strangely reminiscint of Agropos’. “I needs a servant.” “Why?” Oinkbane stared blankly at him. “Fine…here! Take this one, he’s a failure anyway.” “WHAT! BUT!” Oinkbane stalked forward and forced a large and fetid bag into his hands, “Wuz yer name?” “Steve…” “Meets me here in five dayz. Don’t be late.” He slapped a piece of paper into Steve’s hands and went back into the weapon room, slamming the door hard enough to break it in half. “What…but. Master Agropos…” “Get out.” “But…but…” Steve’s shoulder’s sank as he was forced out of the sanctum into the sewers. He stared at the paper and sighed. “He…he doesn’t know how to spell very well.”

And so began Steve's ''apprenticeship'' under Oinkbane.

    >Oinkbane and Steve are traveling between jobs by cart
    > Oinkbane sits on top with the luggage slowly polishing his mallet
    > "Hey Oinkbane?"
    > "Wut?"
    > Oinkbane continues to polish his hammer
    > "Why do you know... use a hammer for assassination?"
    > Oinkbane seems to consider this for a moment.
    > "Becuz is killz more."
    > Steve stares ahead over the backs of the two pigs pulling their cart.
    > "But shouldn't it be... I don't know... more stealthy, like a dagger?"
    > Oinkbane stares at steve.
    > "Steve."
    > "Yes?"
    > "Wut iz an assassin's job?"
    > Steve stares forward, feeling the piggy gaze, powerful enough to curl bacon, on his back.
    > "Kill people?"
    > "Ya, and wut kill more? Tiny pointy? Or big smashy?"
    > "Yes, but shouldn't you be ste--"
    > "WUT KILL MORE?"
    > Steve sighs.
    > "Big smashy..."
    > The were boar sits back satisfied.
    > "TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU!!"

    Oinkbane multiclasses as a mage:
    > Steve and Oinkbane have made camp for the night
    > "Oinkbane, what are you doing?"
    > The were boar is standing next to the fire waving his arms about.
    > "Magic, now shut yer trap. Yous gonna break my consertrashion."
    > "Oinkbane, you know doing magic is a bit harder than th--"
    > Oinkbane strikes another pose, pushing his hands forward in interrupt them.
    > "Them damn wizards always manage ter do et."
    > Oinkbane continues to waves his hands about.
    > "Oinkbane, you need training to do magic."
    > "Naw, it's all in da robes and sum such." 
    > Steve looks down, sees Oinkbane is in the dress of some princess they assassinated earlier that week.
    > "I really don--"
    > Oinkbane shouts to interrupt him.
    > "I know, it'z da magic words!"
    > Steve shakes his head and goes back to sleep.
    > Four hours later the two of them are leaving the forest at top speed, most of it burnt down.
    > Oinkbane stands on the back, a beaver strapped to his jaw
    > "IT WUZ DA BEARD, NOT DA DRESS!!"
    > "TOOOOOoooooo---"
    > His cry disappears into the night as he throws fireballs into the surrounding woods.

    Oinkbane decides to multiclass as a bard:
    > Steve stumbles out of his tent, hands clamped over his ears
    > "Oh god, Oinkbane! I said no assassinating before sun up!"
    > Finds the were boar sitting on a rock with a strange sack with tubes.
    > "Oinkbane!"
    > He continues the play
    > "OINKBANE!!!"
    > The pig man stops.
    > "Wut, why you yellin'?"
    > "What are you doing?"
    > The were boar shows the sack, it looks like a fleshy bladder.
    > "I wuz juss thinkin', ya know how den pretty bois in the bars always do dat singin'."
    > "...yes?"
    > "Well, they're always sayin' they're gonna stab dem lady's with their sword dat night..."
    > Oh god no, thought Steve.
    > "If dem pretty bois can do it with just dat stupid lute then me and me pipes should be able to get me assassinations done twice as fast if I can just play."
    > Steve stared from the pipes to wereboar
    > "I mean day don't look like assassins, so if a proper one does the stabbin'."
    > Steve turned around, and walked back towards camp.
    > Maybe some things were just TOO SUBTLE.
    
    The origin of Skitters:
    Oinkbane was hired to assassinate a particularly paranoid illusionist who pretended to be an ordinary noble. They spent days playing a complex game of hide-and-seek 
    through the illusionists house, each disguising themselves as different things. Oinkbane was almost beaten. Enter Skitters, she was just an ordinary street kid robbing 
    what she thought was an ordinary nobles house. She distracts the illusionist at the crucial moment, allowing Oinkbane to kill him. Oinkbane thinks she tracked him down in 
    order to ask him to train her as an assassin - tells her he's pretty impressed by her attempt. "I'm sure you would have got him yourself if I wasn't faster - you iz prety 
    subtle" Despite her frequent attempts to escape her 'apprenticeship' he always tracker her down and brings her back. He views her escape attempts as enthusiastic attempts 
    to strike out at her own targets and/or trips into town for groceries, scouting out the landscape etc. Oinkbane knows she looks like a ratgirl but thinks she is a catgirl 
    who is disguising herself. Every so often she will attempt to kill him to get away. She sneaks into his tent and stabs into his blankets. It's a sack of belongings... her 
    belongs..."You iz not subtle enuff yet to beat da master" Oinkbane bursts through the side of the tent and tosses her into one of the disguise crates and seals her inside.

    >Man acquires precious jewel
    >Places precious jewel in vault. 
    >Places guards in front of vault
    >Gets letter
    >Opens it up
    >Picture of jewel... taken from inside vault
    >Rushes to vault
    >On vault is sign "FREE CATGRL INCIDE"
    >Has guards open vault
    >Inside is a suddenly dismayed girl with rat-ears and tail
    >Guards and man rush in to apprehend her.
    >Vault door slams shut
    >From out of the floor of the vault bursts Oinkbane
    >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU
    >Ratgirl sobs
    > "Why do you keep ruining my heists?"
    >YOU ARE A GOOD ASSASSIN ASSASSTANT, CATGIRL, SKITTERS
    >"I'm a Ratgirl! And I'm not your assistant!"
    >STEVE IS MAKING HOTDOGS BACK AT CAMP CATGIRL
    >"I don't like hotdogs!"
    >I WOULD BE CAREFUL THOUGH. STEVE SAYS HE HAS A CRUSH ON YOU. HE WILL PROBABLY TRY TO DROP A ROCK ON YOU. GOOD THING HE IS NOT TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU.

    >Man walks down road
    >Stops by door
    >Reads sign on door
    >FREE CATGRL INCIDE
    >A fairly bawdy picture of a catgirl is drawn as well
    >Man can't argue with a free catgirl
    >Goes into room
    >Sees Skitters the Ratgirl cleaning out the house of valuables
    >She turns and freezes in horror
    >Man sees a piles of sacks moving ominously
    >Opens door to leave
    >Oinkbane is there
    >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU
    >Skitters sighs as brainmatter hits her.
    >GOOD WORK CATGIRL SKITTERS
    >"Please... please, can't you just let me do my work?"
    >NO. NO SKITTERS. YOU ARE NOT READY TO BE A TRUE ASSASSIN YET. YOU MUST BE MORE SUBTLE.
    >"... just shoot me now."
    >CAREFUL. STEVE WAS ASKING ME IF HE THOUGHT HE HAD A SHOT WITH YOU. I SEARCHED HIS TENT BUT COULD NOT FIND A GUN OR BOW. HE MAY BE BECOMING MORE SUBTLE.
Anonymous: I can imagine, every day, Skitters has to get out of her tent and tear down another FREE CATGRL INCIDE sign.

    > Steve and Skitters are sitting next to each other by the fire
    > Oinkbane hasn't been around all day
    > "So ummm... Hows... being a rat girl?"
    > "..."
    > Suddenly Steve sees Oinkbane beckoning to him from the bushes
    > "Excuse me one second."
    > He walks over to where Oinkbane is sticking his head out.
    > "I TRY TO GIVE YOU TWO ALONE TIME."
    > "Oinkbane, keep it down!" whispers steve furiously.
    > "I KNOW, BUT I THINK THIS TIME LITTLE POINTY BETTER."
    > "What?"
    > "I KNOW YOU HAVE LITTLE POINTY, YOU CAN'T SUDDENLY HAVE BIG SMASHY. USE YOUR LITTLE POINTY ON HER."
    > Steve starred at him, confused.
    > "Oinkbane... are you talking about m--" Oinkbane cut him off.
    > "IT NOT LIKE I CAN LET YOU USE MY BIG SMASHY."
    > "Oinkbane! What are you talking about?!"
    > The were boar looks up confused.
    > "FOR ASSASSINATION.... I HEAR YOU SAY YOU HAVE CRUSH AND WANT STAB HER WITH SWORD LIKE PRETTY BOYS."
    > Blushing Steve walks back to sit next to Skitters... at least he wouldn't use a SNEAK ATTACK on her.

    >Steve and Skitters wake up in camp, no sign of Oinkbane
    >This is not unusual, he often practices his stealth skills but usually turns up for breakfast
    >Cook breakfast, no sign of Oinkbane
    >"oh well" says Steve "we know which town the next mark is in, lets pack up camp and get going"
    >Find note
    >"I wuz hiREd to KiLl Highweyma- Highwaim- Bandit. If youz can find him before mees, Skitters den you getz an afternoon off"
    >Skitters "I'm not your goddam apprentice!"
    >Steve pats her on the shoulder "let's just get going"
    >On road
    >Suddenly gang of thieves led by gentleman highwayman on a horse
    >"Your money or your life, or perhaps you can think of something else to pay us with" he says this last bit with a leer at Skitters
    >"Look, it's not worth it-" says Steve
    >The highwaymans horse isn't a horse
    >"Sneak attack!" yells Oinkbane as he kills the highwaysman and the bandits
    >"No afternoon off for you Skitters" he booms
    >"Not subtle enough yet"

    >Middle of the night, Skitters awakens Steve
    >"I'm escaping from this psychopath. You in?"
    >"You're... you're leaving?"
    >"Of course I am! What, do you like it here?"
    >"Well... not... not really... but who would make him hotdogs then?"
    >"Fuck that! Come on!"
    >Leave Camp
    >Go to town
    >Hire wagon
    >Head to port
    >Get on ship
    >Sail to Capital
    >Get on Airship
    >Fly to city
    >"Thank the Gods... I think we're far away enough now."
    >"You know... I can't help but wonder if he's doing alright."
    >"Screw that, I hope the Bagman took him."
    >"That's hardly fair."
    >"He's not fair."
    >"So how are we going to pay for this trip?"
    >Later that night
    >Skitters is rifling through the room of a nobleman on the airship
    >Door opens, nobleman comes in
    >"Why hello there. You must be the... aheh... complimentary catgirl."
    >I'm a ratgir.... oh... oh no... oh gods no..."
    >Steve enters the room
    >"Steve we need to get...!"
    >Steve enters the room
    >"What the hell? I didn't hear anything about complimentary average twins along with the catgirl."
    >TOO SUBTLE FOR YOU! Oinkbane yells as he caves in the nobleman's skull. GOOD WORK APPRENTICES! YOU ALMOST FOUND HIM BEFORE ME THIS TIME! YOU ARE ALMOST SUBTLE!!!

    >Steve at campfire with Skitters
    >Edges closer
    >"You know Skitters..."
    >"Mmm?"
    >"I mean.... this whole... well, this whole deal is really usually pretty awful... but... well, uh... what I'm trying to say... um, geez, I've spent months thinking about this, sorry... uh, well... the one good part about this is getting to spent time with you. What I'm trying to say, Skitters is... well, I like you. I really like you. You're really attractive, and cute, and smart... and it's nice to have someone sane to talk to... and I... uh... well yeah. Skitters... I love you. So... Skitters.... oh... oh god no..."
    >Oinkbane takes off his Skitters disguise
    >GOOD TRY BUT ALMOST TOO SUBTLE. NO NEED TO KEEP TALKING MADE UP WORDS. NOT THE RIGHT AMOUNT OF SUBTLE.
    >Oinkbane leaves.
    >Steve sits there, crushed
    >Skitters arrives
    >"What's up?"
    >"N.... nothing."
    >"Cool. Heads up, he's in one of his 'testing'" moods."
    >"Yeah. I know. I know."
Anonymous: Steve the eternally cockblocked.
Anonymous: Steve will eventually get there. Oinkbane is master of subtle in many ways, including dating advice. Like a good master he teaches Steve the art of subtle.
Anonymous: See, Oinkbane knows what Steve is trying to do, but is subtlety stopping him until he can do it without making himself look like an idiot.

    > Oinkbane hasn't been seen around camp all day
    > Steve checks his bedroll, the disguise crates, the conveniently places potato sacks... everywhere
    > "Ok, no Oinkbane..."
    > In his sweating hands he clutches a love letter to Skitters... maybe if he wrote it doesn't Oinkbane couldn't mess him up.
    > Skitters is sitting next to the fire making soup.
    > No stumbling over himself this time, he needed to be assertive.
    > "Skitters I have something for you!" 
    > Thrusts the note towards her.
    > She takes it
    > Looks at the folded piece of paper for a moment
    > Rips it up
    > You can actually hear the tiny sounds of his heart breaking
    > "I Know it's you Oinkbane, stop giving me these assassination contracts. For the last time I'm not your apprentice."
    > Steve is crushed
    > Oinkbane shortly returns, with another contract that Skitters rips up
    > Well... there's always another day...
Anonymous: Of course the audience will never see Steve and Skitters get together, that'd be breaking the status-quo. We all know EVENTUALLY they'll get together though. (Even Oinkbane knows, he's good at picking up subtle things).
Anonymous: Poor Steve... we feel for you...

When Oinkbane first smoked weed:
    >Steve goes to the tavern for a drink
    >Chats up beautifull elf girl
    >Her dad is filthy rich
    >She finds Steve funny and attractive
    >"I always wanted to try this with a human boy"
    >Giggling, she invites him to follow her upstairs
    >She falls on the bed, and motions her finger for Steve
    >In the middle of taking his pants off, it strucks him
    >"Oinkbane, is that you?"
    >"I can be anyone for you. Just stab me with you mighty weapon, warrior"
    >Steve starts screaming "THIS IS NOT FUNNY, OINKBANE", and slaps her
    >Shocked and in tears elf girl runs away
    >Steve stands for a few seconds, all red and breathing heavily
    >Suddenly bed bursts, revealing oinkbane
    >Oh shit, if you are here.. what have I done?
    >Steve runs back to apologise
    >Girl is sitting in the corner, sobbing
    >He taps her on the shoulder
    >Skitters screams from behind "NO STEVE, HE DRUGGED ME UP, AND DRESSED IN THIS COSTUME, I JUST WOKE UP"
    >Elf girl springs into the air, slaps Steve in the face with a raw fish, and runs away giggling and screaming "TOOO SUUUBTLEEEE"

    >Oinkbane gets a contact for a famous womanizing duelist.
    >Allows Steve and Skitters to try it on their own, but they have a limited timetable.
    >Duelist sees Steve and Skitters have a lovers spat.
    >Seduces her, and then right before the door to his house;
    >Oinkbane opens the door and swings his hammer "TO SUBTLE FOR-"
    >The duelist stabs Oinkbane through the stomach.
    >"YOU!" Oinkbane rips off his Skitters outfit and smashes the duelist with his hammer.
    >"VERY SUBTLE!" Skitters emerges from her Steve outfit and Steve from his Oinkbane suit.